what hurts the most

"But I know if I could do it over, I would trade. Give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken."

Sometimes he felt stupid. Not like that fleeting stupidity that we all experience when we lose our keys or push the wrong button at the vending machine or even when we get to the airport too late to make a flight. Not that. Sometimes he felt really, truly stupid. Yes, sometimes he felt like the people around him, the entire world in fact, had some knowledge that he not only didn't have but didn't even know he was missing.

Today was one of those days. Scott sat on the edge of his bed unsure of what to do next. It had been ten days since Lanie broke up with him. It had taken him those full ten days to realize what must have been so obvious. More than the loneliness, the missing of her smile and hair and all that, there was this uncomfortable churn in his stomach. This disturbing pain reminding him that he had let her walk out the door without ever saying "I love you" or "I care about you". This gnawing truth that he had adored her, the way she took her work so seriously and got all doe-eyed at the sight nearly any four-legged creature and made the best Saturday morning breakfasts, and never had the consideration to tell her.

In fact, Scott was sure that's why she left him. Their final argument had been some nonsense. Some escalating dispute about him forgetting to call. But Scott remembered clearly when he and Lanie first started dating, and she had never been the type to be concerned about that. The times he had forgotten to call when he said he would, she usually wouldn't even be upset. But then some other thing would occur, some moment that Scott could see so clearly now when she had made her feelings for him clear and he had failed to reciprocate. Those times were when the sudden "you never call when you say you will" argument would begin. That final argument had really been no different than the rest except he assumed she was tired of waiting and hoping for something that seemed to never be coming. And so she ended it.

Scott sat there. On that bed that she had shared with him on so many nights. He couldn't imagine that it would make much of a difference to tell her now. To tell her how he cared, how wonderful she was, and how undeserving he had been. But he called anyway and, as expected, the voicemail suddenly kicked in after one ring. After the beep he simply said "Next time I'll do better."