i don't wanna be

"I'm tired of looking around corners wondering what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be."

Clarity comes in odd packages and unexpected moments. In a period where my focus should be on what I am going to do in the next few months, how I'm going to survive, I have instead become caught in a web of self-reflection.

I am remembering the values and beliefs that I want to live by. I am beginning to enact long-held goals. I am searching beyond academic, professional, and social success.

I know more about myself today than I did two weeks ago. I know how my priorities are ordered. I am learning where I want to compromise and where I refuse. I am fighting bad habits and choosing new commitments.

Most importantly, I am embracing me. Every crook and cranny. Every flaw. Every imperfection. Every oddity. Every pleasure. Every hope and dream. Every love.

"I don't want to be anything other than me."

it's gonna be love

"It's gonna be more than I can take."

She feels the fall
It is Terrifying
She fears the rapid descent
With no guarantees
And no hand to hold
It is Exciting
She smiles as the pit deepens
Anticipating his touch
She leans into the freefall
It is Uncontrollable
There is no bottom
The fall will not stop

blackberry molasses

"So many things you'll survive once you realize there's no such place as paradise."

Kenya. She was an average girl, with average looks and intellect. She was kind but not altruistic enough to stand out. She was funny, but not enough to be heard. She was quiet.

Kenya killed herself early one morning in the bathroom while her parents slept. She left no note so they never really understood why. But she was tired of being mediocre. Of constantly being overlooked. Of being completely invisible.

Lawrence. He had everything. He had a well-paying job, a different girl for every night of the week, and a plush apartment in Manhattan. He drove a fast car and lived a fast life. He smiled and laughed with his friends, who all found him charming and energetic.

Lawrence killed himself one Saturday afternoon at his vacation home. It was nearly three days before anyone found him. He left a note saying he was tired of the fake smiles and the empty life. He craved substance he could never get.

Marcus. He was orphaned at 13 after a tragic car accident. He bounced from foster home to foster home. He saw the best and the worst of people throughout his life. He knew there was no yellow brick road, no easy way out, and life is a struggle every day. He believed that no place on this earth existed where complete happiness could be obtained. But he was content and accepting of his life. He woke up every morning prepared to face that day's struggle and to find joy in the small moments.

Marcus had many reasons over the years to give up on life. Horrible situations he experienced and witnessed. But he understood that life is struggle. And that the only way to win was to fight back and become stronger with every strife.

all that i got is you

"Sometimes I look up at the stars and analyze the sky and ask myself was I meant to be here."

There are monsters and demons on earth. I'm not talking about vampires or yetis or leviathans. I'm talking about pedofiles, serial killers, abusers, terrorists, etc. People whose existence in this world causes destruction and misery.

And there are victims. There are children born to monsters that lose their childhood and never get a chance to become whole people. There are women who marry monsters, then suffer through their daily lives. There are people tortured and killed by monsters just for some sick pleasure.

These victims. These people who spend years with these monsters. These people who die senseless and excruciating deaths. I don't know anything about living through something like that but I would imagine this thought runs through their mind often: Is my only reason on this earth is to suffer and die in a monster's hands?

head to toe

"Today started with a crazy kiss on the way home."

Did he intentionally miss my cheek and aim for my mouth? Hmm.. I don't think so. But he definitely kissed me. And regardless of whether it started accidentally or not, it sure didn't end that way. There were lips and tongues, hands and butterflies.

So he kissed me. Right outside my front door. Nothing new happened today, nothing different. We got off the night shift at the hospital about the same time. It was his turn to drive. We got to my house and he walked me to the door. (I'm always afraid of the raccoons.) He hugged me. Then there was kissing.

There were fireworks. Soft lips. There was comfort and warmth. There was passion. There were strong arms. There was something there. A spark I didn't recognize yesterday.

So now what? Should I call? Will he call? When will we kiss again? Or, will we kiss again? Was it really just an accident? Did he feel the same as I felt?

A kiss. Two minutes of a connection that felt so right. And now I'm giddy and confused. But that means it was a great kiss, right...

touch

"I just want him to see another side of me."

Comfortable heels. Economy suit. Ponytail. No make-up. No cleavage. Felicia came to work everyday wearing the same thing. She sat quietly at her desk. She worked diligently. If asked to describe her, Felicia's coworkers would say she was intelligent, dependable, and a hard worker. And that used to be enough.

Then came the new suit in the office. Lawrence Soman. He was the new Vice President of Government Affairs. Felicia found him exciting; his charisma and ambition were mesmerizing. But he barely ever noticed her despite the fact that she reported directly to him.

Her opportunity arose. Soman's secretary planned the annual staff party at a local lounge instead of the office. All week long Felicia heard the other female employees buzzing about what they would wear. And she was no exception. Her mind was preoccupied on how to catch the eye of Soman.

Stilettos. Pencil skirt with a thigh high split. Fuschia top. Hair down. Make-up on. Felicia appeared at the staff party in her best effort. She was personable, had a few drinks, chatted with all her colleagues. Everyone seemed genuinely surprised and pleased with this temporary transformation.

Then her moment came. Felicia was sitting in the only comfortable chair in the lounge, resting her weary feet. Soman came over and began to chat her up. She quickly realized that he didn't recognize her, and attempted to remind him who she was. Soman was obviously embarrassed, fumbled through some words, and walked away.

Monday morning Felicia came to work in her usual attire. She sat in her office and did her work. Suddenly Soman enter. He quickly apologizes about the staff party. He honestly didn't recognize her with the flashy outfit and full make-up. When Felicia indicated she was trying to look pretty for the vent, Soman laughed. He informed her that she looked beautiful everyday just the way she was. There was no need to do more.

As he walked out the door, he left Felicia with her mouth gaping open and a lot to think about.

slide

"Somethin' I can't change. I'll live around it."

The constant scrape was what bothered him the most. More than the stares, the lack of mobility, or the gnawing feeling of inferiority. It was that scrape. The sound of the rubber sole of his Adidas pushing against every surface it met. While other people trotted easily about their day, picking up each foot as they scurried from home to work, Keenan was forced to walk slowly and drag his right foot behind him.

He wasn't always this way. He used to be an energetic kid. Just like any other boy, he jumped and swam and flipped. He was fearless. And on one of those fearless days, Keenan ran out into the street chasing a soccer ball and got hit by a car. Several nerves in his right leg were severely damages; as a result Keenan lost the ability to control his right foot. It merely drags along, and is now more akin to an anchor than a foot.

There is his day to day. Left foot step, right foot scrape. Left foot step, right foot scrape. Keenan felt like this sound might drive him crazy. He was being haunted by all that he used to be, and for some reason that ghost manifested itself in that sound. So there he was. Facing the ridiculous reality that a scraping sound would become his weakness and interrupt his ability to function.

He thought about the pain when the car struck him. The surgeries at the hospital. The bruises, scars, and broken bones. The months of physical therapy. He thought about his former determination to not let his disability define him. He had excelled in high school. He had gone to college. He had a challenging, respectable, and good-paying job. And know he had become so preoccupied by the sound of his foot scraping along the sidewalk that he was risking all that he had worked for.

So Keenan made a decision that allowed him to move forward. He found that there was a way to distract himself from the constant noise, so he could become less bitter and return to living his life. Because that was the truth of the matter. This life is his. For good and bad. He is a man with a disability. But that was the only handicap he was willing to accept. He made a decision that let him move forward in a world where he may walk a little slower than everyone else, but he would still get to the sam places.

Keenan found solace. He bought an ipod.

reflections (care enough)

"If I'm not good enough or somehow undeserving of a mother's love, you could have had the decency to give me up before you gave me life."

I'd known Nye for seven months and never met her mom. We lived up the block from each other, and walked to school together in the morning. Nye often came to my house after school as well. We watched movies, played video games, etc. But I had never stepped foot inside her house.

I thought this was odd, and when my opportunity came to insist we go in her house I too it. It was near the end of the school year and the weather was finally warm enough for kids to head to the pool. A lot of kids from our classes were going, so I insisted that Nye and I go as well.

I told her we could just drop by her house to pick up her swimsuit, then change at my place. She reluctantly agreed.

So there I was. Inside Nye's house. Once we got there, it appeared Nye's mom wasn't home. She decided to take a quick shower to shave her legs before we left. I sat in the living room while waiting.

About three minutes after Nye got in the shower, her mother came in the front door. I stood up to greet her but once I said I was Nye's friend she became disinterested. She asked if I had seen Kyle, Nye's younger brother. And then moved on after I said no.

About five minutes later, I heard Nye and her mother talking from the upstairs hallway. The disdain in her mother's voice was hard to miss, even without seeing her face. As Nye attempted to explain that we were going to the pool, her mother quickly cut her off and said she didn't care. She told Nye she didn't care if she jumped off a bridge. She just wanted to know where Kyle was.

As Nye came down the stairs, I did my best to pretend that I hadn't heard the discussion upstairs. But Nye was visibly shaken. So as we walked to my house, I tried to cheer her with funny stories from homeroom. By the time we got to the pool, Nye was in much better spirits.

That night I talked to my mom about what happened at Nye's house. It completely baffled me that a mother wouldn't care about her child. But Mom knew Nye's mother well. She had Nye her senior year of high school. Nye's father left her five months after she was born. She resented Nye for taking away her senior year and she blamed Nye for her father leaving.

shattered (turn the car around)

"How many times can I break 'til I shatter?"

There is a truth couched quietly in the eyes of Miranda James: She's dying inside. She's not sick. She's not old. She is simply giving up, day by day and hour by hour.

Miranda has survived a lot. She was orphaned when she was thirteen. She was in a near-fatal car accident when she was nineteen. She worked two jobs all four years of college to pay tuition and costs. She is a chemical engineer and only the fourth woman ever to work at her company.

Miranda's friends, family, and colleagues know she is strong. They think of her as a survivor. They reason that she has overcome so much and has handled so much in her life, that she is strong enough to handle anything that comes her way. That appears logical reasoning, but the human soul is not always logical.

In reality, Miranda is falling apart. Every obstacle has crushed her, but she has always rebuilt. She knows that she is not as strong now. She can feel the fight slowly slipping away. And it scares her and brings her even that closer to crashing.

If Miranda finds out today that she's been laid off, or that her sister has cancer, or that her house has caught on fire, or any other unforeseen disaster has occurred... Will this be the day she shatters? And if so, who will come to rebuild her?

changes

"Although it seems heaven sent we ain't ready to see a black president."

These words were written about 15 years ago. I believe they were true then. A lot has changed. This country has witnessed devastating natural and man-made disasters. There has been a significant influx in the Latino population. There has been a small, yet momentous, increase in the positive portrayal of black people in the media.

Yet, I still believe those words to be true. Yes, I am aware that we have a black President. However we must recognize the truth of the matter. Obama suceeded where other black men failed for one distinct reason: he was raised by white people. His upbringing created in him a fundamental belief in race-neutral politics. His upbringing never instilled a notion of racial bitterness.

His race-neutral upbringing, extreme intellect, and commitment to the patriotism are the characteristics that spurred his opportunity to be President. But the vast majority of black people grow up in a world where two of those things are not encouraged and are not taught.

daughters

"On behalf of every man looking out for every girl, you are the god and the weight of her world."

Damon walked away from his family when he was 37 years old. No note, no notice. He just packed up a few items and drove his pick-up truck away. He had been laid off, his wife constantly nagged at him, and he was He left behind a wife, a son, and a daughter.

Lawrence always wanted sons. He married a kind and loving woman, and she gave him one child. A daughter. Larry barely held the child. He never gave her affection, never took interest in her life. He made sure she was fed, clothed, and protected. But he had no interest in knowing her.

Tony was angry and an addict. He had spent most of his youth deployed overseas. He came home with nightmares and hallucinations. He used drugs and alcohol to ease the pain. When that wasn't enough he took his frustration and fear out on his wife and two daughters by hitting them.

So what happened to these four girls? Their lives didn't fall apart. They graduated high school, went to college and became successful professionals. They had solid relationships with their families, strong friendships to count on, and a generally wide social network.

But they struggled in relationships. Their assumption of men was that they were jerks, that every action was done with ulterior motive or to purposefully hurt. They rarely had long-lasting relationships, and when they did, they were paranoid, vengeful, and uncompromising.

They appeared as well-rounded and emotionally stable as their friends who grew up in a stable family. Their lives didn't fall apart. But they had. They were not whole and didn't even realize it. They didn't believe in and understand love. They didn't know how it worked. They didn't know what it felt like. They couldn't recognize a man's love.

i hope you dance

"And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."

Welcome to the world. A place filled with noise, pollution, and people. Here, the everyday miracles are usually overshadowed by the disaster of the day. Despite the beauty present in each of us, we tend to be overcome by our own human nature. Greed, lust, despair, fear, anger, and vanity have become veils to the complexity within.

And this is the world we bring life into. Full of crime and pain. Full of selfish people. A world in which we struggle to find purpose, love, and contentment. The only guarantee we can have is that we will die.

This line is from a song about conquering this world the only way we can. With hope and determination. By taking advantage of the opportunities put forth. By recognizing and taking good risks.

This line is about seizing the day. About making the most of each moment. About taking advantage of the day, because its all we know we have. About being able to look back without regret, be happy in today, and look forward with optimism and great expectation.

This song is about teaching someone how to conquer this world. About loving people enough to want to see them accomplish more than yourself. About finding the inner peace to encourage others. About seeing how much beauty and quality this world really holds.