teach me how to be loved

"Will you leave me lost in my shadows or will you pull me into your light?"

Evan knew he only had one job here. To keep her wine glass full. And, of course, to listen. This had been a night long coming. Five months into dating Shannon and the epiphany had only occurred a few days ago. Well, epiphany was a generous word. Since basically Shannon had told him what was going on with her. But once she did, the ups and downs of their relationship had all clicked into place. The fights that seemed to materialize out of thin air, the days of silent treatment he never understood the cause of. Not to say that Evan never played a part in it but he was pretty sure that his small mistakes and bad moves were blown out of proportion by Shannon.

It was a few days ago when she mentioned her "yellow dress" day as she called it. Evan remembered that day because it was the first day he'd seen Shannon. She hadn't met him that day but the next time their mutual friend had a party, he'd made sure to be there on the off chance that she would be. And she was. Evan was surprised to hear that was the day she'd made the decision to really start dating towards a relationship, to try to let go of all the things that had been holding her back from trusting someone and committing to someone. Maybe it was destiny.

Evan had invited Shannon over tonight for the sole purpose of getting all the stuff she'd been holding onto out in the air. He didn't know much about what she was going through, and was a bit nervous it might be some horrible tragedy he wouldn't know how to handle. But he wanted this relationship to work, because when things were good, they were amazing. So he'd brought out two bottles of her favorite Merlot and started pouring. It took one full glass and Evan sharing one of his own heartbreaks to get her to open up. But when she did the flood gates broke. Evan had put down his own glass to focus on what she was saying. To really hear her, to understand her.

And he did. Shannon talked about the people she'd lost, but when she spoke of the grief it was full of so much guilt it was shocking. Guilt over not being closer to the people she'd lost, guilt over letting them go too quickly, guilt over not remembering all the moments they'd spent together. Shannon talked about never fitting in with the other kids and being bullied as a child. Again, she placed the blame on herself for not figuring out how to be more social, more likable. She talked about the men who'd ran through her life and broken her heart. And how she should have been stronger, should have seen it coming. It was all such everyday stuff, sad and unfortunate undoubtedly, but the things that so many people go through without shutting down the way Shannon had. Evan had lost people and had his heart broken a few times. But the difference here was the guilt that Shannon held, as though every bit of it was her fault. And the way she bore her burden alone.

So Evan did what someone, anyone, should have done for Shannon all her life. The tears were streaming down her face and she had fallen silent, just staring into her empty glass. Evan walked over to her, placed the glass on the table, and sat down on the couch beside her, pulling her into his lap. He wrapped his arms as tightly around her as he could and let her cry. They stayed like that for nearly an hour, Shannon clinging to him like a life raft and Evan never letting go.