"And though I don't deserve this gift of mercy and abounding grace, you blessed me with anyway."
Callie was anxious and she hated being anxious. She was sitting on her hands, making a conscious effort not to pace the room. Firstly, because pacing was completely counterproductive. Her logical mind knew that. But mainly she was refraining from pacing because she was in a waiting room, presumably being watched by the people she was trying to impress. Her logical mind also knew that pacing was not impressive. So she tried to sit quietly, to think of calming things like oceans and stars and other crap.
Finally, the receptionist approached Callie with a plastic smile glued on her face. Callie couldn't remember if her name was Becky or Bonnie and she couldn't read anything from her super-fake smile. Becky/Bonnie asked Callie to follow her, so she did. Down the long hallway to the conference where she's had her interview two weeks ago. But they passed the conference room this time and approached a large door at the end of the hallway. Callie knew exactly whose office this was, the only man that she had been hoping to see at her interview but was absent.
The anxiety heightened accompanied by a ridiculous amount of glee. She had been wishing for a day like this for so long, and very specifically this day for the last few weeks. Since she'd first applied to the opening in this office. Callie's life had been full of average accomplishments. A few scholarships out of high school, graduating with a decent GPA from a large state school, getting a job after college that had provided her with steady promotions. A degree of success had stayed with Callie most of her life. When the job opening had first come to her attention, she hadn't planned to apply for it. Her life was settled and comfortable. She had so much more than so many other people that it seemed selfish to want more. But working for the mayor had been a dream for so long. Something that wouldn't just be an accomplishment on paper but that had the possibility for real world good.
Callie walked into the office, glancing back briefly as Becky/Bonnie closed the door behind her. There she was, face-to-face with the mayor. Her mouth was dry and her hands were shaking slightly. It wasn't really about the man, it was the title. It was the office, how much she wanted the job, and all the opportunities that existed. The meeting was brief and mostly a daze to Callie. She remembered being offered the job and graciously accepting. She remembered being glad she hadn't completely jumped for joy. Or vomited from joy. She remembered shaking hands, taking a new employee packet from Becky. Bonnie. Whatever. Then she was in the elevator. And she knew they could see her but she no longer cared. She did a full out happy dance in the elevator, smiling so hard her face hurt.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
beautiful
"I want to go to a place where I can hold the intangible and let go of the pain with all my might."
The man holding the harness continued to stare at her. And Kelly continued to shake her head no. Every step of this vacation had been a stretch of her limits and this was where she drew the line. Yet the man refused to budge. Cher appeared over the edge of the steep ladder. She was out of breath but clearly loving every minute of this adventure. As she should since this was here ridiculous idea. Cher ignored the glare of death Kelly was giving and grabbed the harness.
The man was thankfully distracted and was no longer staring at Kelly. She could think now, but she couldn't seem to find a way out of her predicament. Really there was no way. Climbing the ladder had been scary enough but easily doable. The tour guides had been very clear about not trying to climb down. They had emphasized the point to show them articles about dumb Americans that had tried. Dumb Americans with broken limbs and head injuries.
Robyn peeked her head up next. She was extremely winded and Kelly reached down to give her a hand up. By the time Kelly turned around, Cher was swinging wildly though the air, screaming her head off. Robyn looked eagerly at the man and he presented her with a harness as well. This time Kelly reluctantly listened to the instructions. Her fate was horrible, but hers nonetheless. Robyn gave Kelly a quick wink then plunged though the air after Cher. Her screams were just as exuberant, and just as annoying to Kelly. But she was glad they went first. Maybe they would be too far away to hear the terror in her screams.
The man was looking at her again and this time she allowed him to slip the harness on her. Harness was a generous word, it was basically a strap that prevented her from letting go of the handlebar. The rest of her body was left to flail in the wind. With one big gulp, Kelly pushed off from the starter's ledge just the way the man had demonstrated. She might have been terrified but she still was good at following directions.
Then she was in the air. Ziplining. Careening through the air over a jungle in Panama. There was terror for a few seconds and then there was something else. The moment came quickly where Kelly realized the harness was more sturdy than it had appeared, that falling was unlikely. So she opened her tightly shut eyes. It was breathtaking. She felt like she could see the whole world, or at least the whole of Panama. Ocean and jungle and rooftops. The beauty was breathtaking. As she flew over the jungle trees, birds emerged up out of the trees and she even saw two monkeys sitting high up on a tree limb. It was more than she could have ever dreamed of.
Kelly saw the end of the line coming and wished she could somehow go back or stop the inevitable. She landed easily, barreling into the expectant arms of a muscular man. He expertly removed her harness but he was staring at her face. Kelly turned to look at Cher and Robyn. One look at her face and they stopped whooping over their adventure. Kelly realized what the fuss was. She was crying. Tears just streaming down her face but she hadn't even realized it. Cher and Robyn cooed over a few minutes, asking if she was okay, if she had been hurt. It took a few minutes but she finally convinced them that she was okay.
This new man seemed to understand, nodding at her when she looked his direction. Kelly looked back longingly at the zipline but followed her friends down towards the tour lodge on this side of the jungle. She looked down at her hands, her clothes, knowing that she looked the same. But those few minutes in the air, it was a freedom Kelly had never imagined, something she never knew she was missing. And she would never be the same.
The man holding the harness continued to stare at her. And Kelly continued to shake her head no. Every step of this vacation had been a stretch of her limits and this was where she drew the line. Yet the man refused to budge. Cher appeared over the edge of the steep ladder. She was out of breath but clearly loving every minute of this adventure. As she should since this was here ridiculous idea. Cher ignored the glare of death Kelly was giving and grabbed the harness.
The man was thankfully distracted and was no longer staring at Kelly. She could think now, but she couldn't seem to find a way out of her predicament. Really there was no way. Climbing the ladder had been scary enough but easily doable. The tour guides had been very clear about not trying to climb down. They had emphasized the point to show them articles about dumb Americans that had tried. Dumb Americans with broken limbs and head injuries.
Robyn peeked her head up next. She was extremely winded and Kelly reached down to give her a hand up. By the time Kelly turned around, Cher was swinging wildly though the air, screaming her head off. Robyn looked eagerly at the man and he presented her with a harness as well. This time Kelly reluctantly listened to the instructions. Her fate was horrible, but hers nonetheless. Robyn gave Kelly a quick wink then plunged though the air after Cher. Her screams were just as exuberant, and just as annoying to Kelly. But she was glad they went first. Maybe they would be too far away to hear the terror in her screams.
The man was looking at her again and this time she allowed him to slip the harness on her. Harness was a generous word, it was basically a strap that prevented her from letting go of the handlebar. The rest of her body was left to flail in the wind. With one big gulp, Kelly pushed off from the starter's ledge just the way the man had demonstrated. She might have been terrified but she still was good at following directions.
Then she was in the air. Ziplining. Careening through the air over a jungle in Panama. There was terror for a few seconds and then there was something else. The moment came quickly where Kelly realized the harness was more sturdy than it had appeared, that falling was unlikely. So she opened her tightly shut eyes. It was breathtaking. She felt like she could see the whole world, or at least the whole of Panama. Ocean and jungle and rooftops. The beauty was breathtaking. As she flew over the jungle trees, birds emerged up out of the trees and she even saw two monkeys sitting high up on a tree limb. It was more than she could have ever dreamed of.
Kelly saw the end of the line coming and wished she could somehow go back or stop the inevitable. She landed easily, barreling into the expectant arms of a muscular man. He expertly removed her harness but he was staring at her face. Kelly turned to look at Cher and Robyn. One look at her face and they stopped whooping over their adventure. Kelly realized what the fuss was. She was crying. Tears just streaming down her face but she hadn't even realized it. Cher and Robyn cooed over a few minutes, asking if she was okay, if she had been hurt. It took a few minutes but she finally convinced them that she was okay.
This new man seemed to understand, nodding at her when she looked his direction. Kelly looked back longingly at the zipline but followed her friends down towards the tour lodge on this side of the jungle. She looked down at her hands, her clothes, knowing that she looked the same. But those few minutes in the air, it was a freedom Kelly had never imagined, something she never knew she was missing. And she would never be the same.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
when i look to the sky
"When I feel like I'm lost, something tells me you're here with me."
The walk down this aisle was unbearable. Chris briefly flashed back to his wedding, Gwen walking down the aisle. Had it seemed this long to her too? Chris almost smiled, a slight curl of the lips that faded as his gaze settled on the coffin ahead of him. A shiny mahogany cage for his brother's body. Chris felt something in his body falter looking at that coffin but continued to walk as assuredly as he had before. He continued down to the front pew and took his seat between his mother and wife. His mother looked pale and tiny, a woman shrunken into herself. His wife was clutching a handkerchief with a vise grip and letting the tears flow freely down her face.
This time Chris did let a minute smile surface as he thought about how close James and Janet were. The casual observer would have identified them as siblings instead of him and James. They had goofy nicknames for each other and were constantly teaming up to prank him. Chris put his arm around both women, hoping to hell it would offer a little comfort. Neither moved really, his mother absently patting his hand. The unconscious attempt to comfort from a woman that was barely present herself. In some ways, Chris was hoping this stoic behavior would last throughout the funeral. Chris looked across his wife at his five-year old daughter and couldn't even wrap his head around the idea of her no longer alive.
The service went on well, as well as these things go. People got up to speak about James. It was good in that sense, people that really loved him and that he adored right back. His old friend from both high school and college shared a tame adventure from their youth. His girlfriend, whom admittedly he had started dating fairly recently, had beautiful words about him. Their father had been the brave representative of the family never even asking Chris or his mother to speak. Dad talked about James as a young child. A full spectrum of the man that was no more. Words from brokenhearted people with their pain showing clearly. Only Chris seemed to be trying to contain his emotions. The hour-long breakdown on the basketball court with\ Dylan had been quite enough.
Chris thanked the heavens that his parents had decided not to allow the funeral procession to extend to the burial site. Just the family would attend the burial in the morning, another activity that would test Chris's resolve. Chris avoided the sad, sympathetic eyes following him out of the church. He stopped only briefly to receive a pat on the shoulder from Dylan. Even then Chris avoided his eyes. James and Chris had always joked that Dylan was their third brother, and Chris knew that Dylan's eyes wouldn't hold sympathy. The pain in those would nearly match his own, pain that would threaten to undo him. So Chris walked on.
By the time he had walked down the stairs of the massive church and back to the end of the parking lot where he had parked the car, becoming undone seemed inevitable. James was always his anchor and now he was adrift. The past few days he had felt directionless, dazed, and every time he tried to break out his funk his first thought would drift to calling James. A thought that only served to drive him deeper into the reverie. He had selfishly left his wife, daughter, and mother standing on the church steps. Chris vaguely remembered murmuring something about bringing the car around but really he needed an escape. The image of his brother's face as the casket closed was burned in his mind. The last time he would ever see him. Ever.
The tears came fast and hard and Chris's attempts to brush them away were futile. He reached for the glove compartment where Janet usually kept the tissue. Instead of tissues, several polyester snakes leaped out at him. Chris jumped so hard he knocked his knee on the steering column. He rubbed his knee, looking at the snakes in confusion after his heart rate had settled back. Then the dawning came. One last prank from his brother. Chris rarely opened the glove department and wondered how long the snakes had been laying in wait. He shook his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Then a laugh bubbled it up, surprising Chris himself. Then another laugh and another until tears were streaming down his face. Good old Chris leaving some of the best of him behind. James had probably gotten the stupid snakes from the dollar store but they were invaluable to Chris now. He tucked them gently back into the glove compartment content that a piece of his brother, the last piece he had to offer him, would be in this car every time he got in it.
"And I can always find my way when you are here."
The walk down this aisle was unbearable. Chris briefly flashed back to his wedding, Gwen walking down the aisle. Had it seemed this long to her too? Chris almost smiled, a slight curl of the lips that faded as his gaze settled on the coffin ahead of him. A shiny mahogany cage for his brother's body. Chris felt something in his body falter looking at that coffin but continued to walk as assuredly as he had before. He continued down to the front pew and took his seat between his mother and wife. His mother looked pale and tiny, a woman shrunken into herself. His wife was clutching a handkerchief with a vise grip and letting the tears flow freely down her face.
This time Chris did let a minute smile surface as he thought about how close James and Janet were. The casual observer would have identified them as siblings instead of him and James. They had goofy nicknames for each other and were constantly teaming up to prank him. Chris put his arm around both women, hoping to hell it would offer a little comfort. Neither moved really, his mother absently patting his hand. The unconscious attempt to comfort from a woman that was barely present herself. In some ways, Chris was hoping this stoic behavior would last throughout the funeral. Chris looked across his wife at his five-year old daughter and couldn't even wrap his head around the idea of her no longer alive.
The service went on well, as well as these things go. People got up to speak about James. It was good in that sense, people that really loved him and that he adored right back. His old friend from both high school and college shared a tame adventure from their youth. His girlfriend, whom admittedly he had started dating fairly recently, had beautiful words about him. Their father had been the brave representative of the family never even asking Chris or his mother to speak. Dad talked about James as a young child. A full spectrum of the man that was no more. Words from brokenhearted people with their pain showing clearly. Only Chris seemed to be trying to contain his emotions. The hour-long breakdown on the basketball court with\ Dylan had been quite enough.
Chris thanked the heavens that his parents had decided not to allow the funeral procession to extend to the burial site. Just the family would attend the burial in the morning, another activity that would test Chris's resolve. Chris avoided the sad, sympathetic eyes following him out of the church. He stopped only briefly to receive a pat on the shoulder from Dylan. Even then Chris avoided his eyes. James and Chris had always joked that Dylan was their third brother, and Chris knew that Dylan's eyes wouldn't hold sympathy. The pain in those would nearly match his own, pain that would threaten to undo him. So Chris walked on.
By the time he had walked down the stairs of the massive church and back to the end of the parking lot where he had parked the car, becoming undone seemed inevitable. James was always his anchor and now he was adrift. The past few days he had felt directionless, dazed, and every time he tried to break out his funk his first thought would drift to calling James. A thought that only served to drive him deeper into the reverie. He had selfishly left his wife, daughter, and mother standing on the church steps. Chris vaguely remembered murmuring something about bringing the car around but really he needed an escape. The image of his brother's face as the casket closed was burned in his mind. The last time he would ever see him. Ever.
The tears came fast and hard and Chris's attempts to brush them away were futile. He reached for the glove compartment where Janet usually kept the tissue. Instead of tissues, several polyester snakes leaped out at him. Chris jumped so hard he knocked his knee on the steering column. He rubbed his knee, looking at the snakes in confusion after his heart rate had settled back. Then the dawning came. One last prank from his brother. Chris rarely opened the glove department and wondered how long the snakes had been laying in wait. He shook his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Then a laugh bubbled it up, surprising Chris himself. Then another laugh and another until tears were streaming down his face. Good old Chris leaving some of the best of him behind. James had probably gotten the stupid snakes from the dollar store but they were invaluable to Chris now. He tucked them gently back into the glove compartment content that a piece of his brother, the last piece he had to offer him, would be in this car every time he got in it.
"And I can always find my way when you are here."
Thursday, July 18, 2013
your heart is a muscle
"It's like you're giving up before it all goes wrong."
It was pretty much pitch black in the bedroom but that's the way Cris liked it. With the darkness came a kind of silence that allowed her to think. Today was a day that required a lot of thinking and Cris had been sitting in the dark room for hours. Carlos hated the thick curtains, hated the way it could be midnight in the bedroom and two o'clock in the afternoon in reality. If he were here, he would have long ago come in to jerk the curtains open. He would have forced Cris to leave her cozy chair and join the sun in reality.
But that's what all this thinking was about. Carlos wasn't there. It was day three and this was supposed to be easier. After all, she had asked him to leave. She had sat here in this bedroom for less than an hour. She had walked down the hallway into the kitchen where he was making his faux homemade chili. The only thing homemade about it was he brought all the precooked ingredients home and put them in a pot together. He was all smiles, and for a moment Cris had hesitated. Seeing him there did make her doubt her decision but not enough to actually stop the train wreck. She shook the doubt off and soldiered ahead.
Soldiered would be a heroic way to think of it. Cris had blindsided him. Right smack in the middle of the best relationship they had either ever been in, she called it quits. Quietly and simply told Carlos she didn't want to date him anymore, requested that he leave, and offered to cover half of his hotel costs. Of course, he didn't take it quite as quietly or simply as she offered. But Cris wasn't expecting that. She had already resigned herself to her position, she was willing to explain, to let him rant. She was unwilling to become defensive, to resort to an unnecessary argument.
Cris had tried to take the stronger side, point out all her flaws that annoyed him. Point out all the moments in their relationship that had been contentious. But Carlos kept picking at it. He knew her too well, knew that whatever had really become the deciding issue was something Cris didn't want to say. Then finally it spilled. Cris's anger unexpectedly bubbled over, the only way it ever really came out, and before she knew it she had blurted the whole truth. The truth that had grown from a conversation six weeks old, a truth that had festered while Carlos thought all was okay. A comment about moving to the suburbs, a house with lots of land and space. A life Carlos though of as relaxing and fulfilling. A life Cris had dashed away from as soon as she got her high school diploma and would never return to.
Carlos didn't even fight it anymore. Just started packing a bag in silence. And that's how it was for a solid thirty minutes. Carlos silently packing his bag, calmly choosing and folding his items. But there was a fire burning in his eyes and Cris knew there was more he would say before he left. He did. Carlos turned around with his suitcase to stare Cris directly in her eyes. And told her the truth, a truth that was real and not some fabrication in her mind. That he loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone, that he wanted to live with her more than any specific location in this world, but what he refused to live with was her constant doubt, her constant search for what's wrong, her unwillingness to talk to him or fight for their love.
Carlos left because Cris asked him. And now all she wanted was for him to walk in this bedroom and open the curtains so she could feel the sunlight.
It was pretty much pitch black in the bedroom but that's the way Cris liked it. With the darkness came a kind of silence that allowed her to think. Today was a day that required a lot of thinking and Cris had been sitting in the dark room for hours. Carlos hated the thick curtains, hated the way it could be midnight in the bedroom and two o'clock in the afternoon in reality. If he were here, he would have long ago come in to jerk the curtains open. He would have forced Cris to leave her cozy chair and join the sun in reality.
But that's what all this thinking was about. Carlos wasn't there. It was day three and this was supposed to be easier. After all, she had asked him to leave. She had sat here in this bedroom for less than an hour. She had walked down the hallway into the kitchen where he was making his faux homemade chili. The only thing homemade about it was he brought all the precooked ingredients home and put them in a pot together. He was all smiles, and for a moment Cris had hesitated. Seeing him there did make her doubt her decision but not enough to actually stop the train wreck. She shook the doubt off and soldiered ahead.
Soldiered would be a heroic way to think of it. Cris had blindsided him. Right smack in the middle of the best relationship they had either ever been in, she called it quits. Quietly and simply told Carlos she didn't want to date him anymore, requested that he leave, and offered to cover half of his hotel costs. Of course, he didn't take it quite as quietly or simply as she offered. But Cris wasn't expecting that. She had already resigned herself to her position, she was willing to explain, to let him rant. She was unwilling to become defensive, to resort to an unnecessary argument.
Cris had tried to take the stronger side, point out all her flaws that annoyed him. Point out all the moments in their relationship that had been contentious. But Carlos kept picking at it. He knew her too well, knew that whatever had really become the deciding issue was something Cris didn't want to say. Then finally it spilled. Cris's anger unexpectedly bubbled over, the only way it ever really came out, and before she knew it she had blurted the whole truth. The truth that had grown from a conversation six weeks old, a truth that had festered while Carlos thought all was okay. A comment about moving to the suburbs, a house with lots of land and space. A life Carlos though of as relaxing and fulfilling. A life Cris had dashed away from as soon as she got her high school diploma and would never return to.
Carlos didn't even fight it anymore. Just started packing a bag in silence. And that's how it was for a solid thirty minutes. Carlos silently packing his bag, calmly choosing and folding his items. But there was a fire burning in his eyes and Cris knew there was more he would say before he left. He did. Carlos turned around with his suitcase to stare Cris directly in her eyes. And told her the truth, a truth that was real and not some fabrication in her mind. That he loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone, that he wanted to live with her more than any specific location in this world, but what he refused to live with was her constant doubt, her constant search for what's wrong, her unwillingness to talk to him or fight for their love.
Carlos left because Cris asked him. And now all she wanted was for him to walk in this bedroom and open the curtains so she could feel the sunlight.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
chasing cars
"If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
Dylan wasn't really sure what to do next. He knew two things: it was ridiculously hot outside and his best friend was having a complete breakdown on the scorching pavement. Dylan wasn't even sure what had happened. It had been such a typical day, work and meeting up for a quick basketball game afterwards. They both had gotten off work early and the sun was still beaming down on them when they started playing. Typical game, Chris was raining threes and Dylan was struggling just to score half the points Chris was.
Dylan remembered noticing the sky. The sun was still fairly bright but a few dark clouds had definitely started to settle in. He remembered thinking how nice some rain would feel right now. It was a water break. While Dylan was guzzling water and staring at the clouds, Chris was checking his voicemail. As Dylan was capping his water bottle, trying to proactively visualize himself blocking just one of Chris's shots, he heard the sound. It was hard to describe -- human but unlike any sound he'd heard anyone make before, loud but quiet at the same time. It was the sound of knees hitting pavement and Chris's body trying to gasp for breath as his brain shut down. It was the sound of utter heart break.
So here they were. Chris kneeling on the pavement, hyperventilating. Dylan standing over him. He wasn't even sure what had happened yet, but he could put enough together. One of those voicemails was the bearer of terrible news. His daughter, his wife, his parents, his brother. Something had happened. Dylan had grown up with the family too and he wasn't even really sure wanted to know what had happened and to who. But that wasn't even an issue he had to deal with right now.
Dylan glanced around but the court was completely empty. He thought he should feel embarrassed or even worried, but he didn't. There wasn't room for that right now. There was concern for Chris, there was empathy for Chris, there was fear about what caused Chris's to react this way. Chris's gasps for breath were steadily turning into sobs and Dylan couldn't bear much more. He wanted to comfort his friend, but he didn't have much experience here. There were words he should probably say, or some comforting gesture. Or maybe this was one of the situations he was supposed to take charge and hustle Chris into some less public place.
Yet all of that was beyond Dylan's know how. He thought of his family, how he would feel if something horrible happened to them. Dylan understood that breathing would be hard, that any higher level of functioning would be nearly impossible. That no words would be soothing. So he did the only thing that did feel right. He knelt down on the pavement right beside his friend, ignoring the pain of the hot, rough pavement on his knees. Dylan knelt by Chris, close enough for their shoulders to touch. And he waited. He would be right there beside him when Chris was ready. Everything else could wait.
Dylan wasn't really sure what to do next. He knew two things: it was ridiculously hot outside and his best friend was having a complete breakdown on the scorching pavement. Dylan wasn't even sure what had happened. It had been such a typical day, work and meeting up for a quick basketball game afterwards. They both had gotten off work early and the sun was still beaming down on them when they started playing. Typical game, Chris was raining threes and Dylan was struggling just to score half the points Chris was.
Dylan remembered noticing the sky. The sun was still fairly bright but a few dark clouds had definitely started to settle in. He remembered thinking how nice some rain would feel right now. It was a water break. While Dylan was guzzling water and staring at the clouds, Chris was checking his voicemail. As Dylan was capping his water bottle, trying to proactively visualize himself blocking just one of Chris's shots, he heard the sound. It was hard to describe -- human but unlike any sound he'd heard anyone make before, loud but quiet at the same time. It was the sound of knees hitting pavement and Chris's body trying to gasp for breath as his brain shut down. It was the sound of utter heart break.
So here they were. Chris kneeling on the pavement, hyperventilating. Dylan standing over him. He wasn't even sure what had happened yet, but he could put enough together. One of those voicemails was the bearer of terrible news. His daughter, his wife, his parents, his brother. Something had happened. Dylan had grown up with the family too and he wasn't even really sure wanted to know what had happened and to who. But that wasn't even an issue he had to deal with right now.
Dylan glanced around but the court was completely empty. He thought he should feel embarrassed or even worried, but he didn't. There wasn't room for that right now. There was concern for Chris, there was empathy for Chris, there was fear about what caused Chris's to react this way. Chris's gasps for breath were steadily turning into sobs and Dylan couldn't bear much more. He wanted to comfort his friend, but he didn't have much experience here. There were words he should probably say, or some comforting gesture. Or maybe this was one of the situations he was supposed to take charge and hustle Chris into some less public place.
Yet all of that was beyond Dylan's know how. He thought of his family, how he would feel if something horrible happened to them. Dylan understood that breathing would be hard, that any higher level of functioning would be nearly impossible. That no words would be soothing. So he did the only thing that did feel right. He knelt down on the pavement right beside his friend, ignoring the pain of the hot, rough pavement on his knees. Dylan knelt by Chris, close enough for their shoulders to touch. And he waited. He would be right there beside him when Chris was ready. Everything else could wait.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
i won't give up
"Cause even the stars, they burn. Some even fall to the Earth."
Dana wasn't sure which way to go. Maybe the best thing would have been to say still, to stay hidden. These Scavengers would never find her, especially at night. But she didn't have the time to wait. She had promised to be back in Eden in a few hours, she had promised her little brother and sister that she would bring them food. And Dana wasn't one to leave her promises unfulfilled.
The Scavengers made another pass in the room, almost as if they knew she was there. She barely thought of them as human at this point despite the fact they looked the same as everyone else. But in these times, people fell into two groups, Scavengers and everyone else. Dana remembered the world before. Before an errant asteroid fell and set the entire planet off kilter. Dana remembered gangs and would laugh at the thought now. She remembered growing up in a rough neighborhood in Philly. That was a joke. Philly didn't exist anymore. Sure the land was still there. That big cracked bell was still there. But Philly was gone. In its place was a no man's land. The edge of civilization. Philly was the southernmost point now of what was left of the U.S. The oceans had shifted and there was beach now. But the biggest change was the complete failure of what was left of the government. D.C. was felled by the asteroid and the federal government completely fell apart. The states became so focused on defending their territories that they left their citizens to fend for themselves. Two years later, the citizens overtook the government and brought in the current era of lawlessness.
Then the Scavengers came. People that were little more than animal. They took whatever they wanted and killed anything that moved. Dana had even seen them turn on each other out of sheer boredom. Technically, Dana was a Scavenger. Her parents had joined with the group, thinking it was the only way to ensure protection and food in this post-apocalyptic world. Within two weeks, her father had been killed and her mother was being passed around with as much courtesy as a cigarette. They ignored Dana because she looked so young, younger than she actually was. And while they were busy ignoring her, she had escaped with her two siblings. She had never been more appalled at humans and never been more determined to keep her younger siblings away from them.
Now here she was. Trapped inside a wall in the remains of the children's hospital. The place that she and her siblings had been born. The hospital was the first building her father's architecture firm had ever designed and he had framed the blueprints. Blueprints she had memorized before she could even read. This wall was her father's secret spot, a gap in the walls in one specific place that he put in all his buildings. The problem was the gap didn't go anywhere. It was an excellent hiding place but what Dana needed was an escape route.
This Scavenger group consisted of two women and one bury looking man. He looked like he ate children for dinner, which was all too entirely possible for Dana to be comfortable with. Three Scavengers, at least as far as she had seen. There were no food or supplies left, but they seemed interested in breaking down some of the equipment. It was impossible to tell if they were just bored and engaging in destruction for fun. Or if they had plans to use the equipment for something. It seemed ominous if they were breaking down medical equipment for a good reason but Dana didn't have time to worry about that. The three had left the room but she could here them banging around in the room next door. She closed her eyes and visualized the framed blueprints in her dad's office. Dana choked up for a moment, remembering the constant, nagging smell of Newports in her dad's office, the way the smell stuck to the corner chair she used to snuggle into while her father worked.
Dana shook her head, trying to literally clear the memories from her mind. The memories haunted her every night in her dreams. She didn't need them interfering with her mind in the daytime too. Specifically not when she was trying to escape from a group of Scavengers in an abandoned hospital. Dana tried again, closing her eyes and trying to remember exactly what was in the room next to her. She was in the wall of a random office on the third floor. And the rooms on all sides of her were offices too. Then she saw it, saw the blueprints as clear as if she were standing in her father's office. The elevators were two offices away. And where there used to be elevators, there should be an elevator shaft. For anyone else, this might not be a viable option but Dana was not just anyone. She was the girl that had been living in the bottom of elevator shafts with her siblings for the past year. She was the girl whose father had built those elevator shafts and this one, the girl who knew how to open this elevator shaft in 30 seconds.
Dana opened her eyes. The Scavengers sounded like they had moved on down to the next office, thankfully moving in the opposite direction from the elevator shaft. She realized this might be her only chance. She would have preferred to find something to use as a weapon, to take just a moment to calculate exactly how much time she needed, but the last few years had taught her take her moments whenever she got them. Dana took this moment. She raced out of the room, barely glancing to her left before turning right to the elevators. She hadn't seen anyone when she glanced but it was so quick she couldn't be sure. She got to the elevator quickly, jerking out the large magnet from her backpack while she ran. This was the secret, some sort of magnetized system inside the elevator doors. A large enough magnet and Dana could guide the doors open fairly easily. Once inside, Dana knew there would be an iron ladder stairwell that went directly down. Down to freedom.
Dana had opened the doors just wide enough to slip into the empty shaft when a hand suddenly grasped her shoulder. Times had been rough and Dana had been in plenty of altercations before with Scavengers. She was strong and tougher than they ever expected. She should have spun around and clocked the owner of that hand in the face. Except this hand was certainly not human. It was kind of human, with human skin and five fingers. But the fingers were warped, longer and thinner than any human hand should be. The skin was more orange than even any tanning bed could produce. Dana was frozen staring at that hand on her shoulder, terrified to see who that hand belonged to. Not that she had much choice for long. A second hand clamped down on her and tossed her back into the wall. Tossed would be a nice version, a human version of the force used.
It was just a wall, about six feet behind the elevator but it felt the same as the day she had fallen off the second floor balcony at her old house. The air was pushed out of her lungs and she was struggling to drag some new air back in. Her head bounced against the wall violently once causing her vision to blur. But she could see that the magnet was still stuck to the elevator door and the elevator was still open just wide enough for Dana to slip through. She tried to shake off the blurred vision and the realization that something other than human was shoving her around. It didn't really matter if Planet of the Apes had come to be, what mattered was her getting out of that building.
The orangey human thing came towards Dana again. A scary enough to sight to clear her mind and vision instantly. Adrenaline is good for that. Dana pretended to scoot away from the creature, carefully angling herself in a direct line with the gap in the elevator door. She knew jumping into the shaft would be a freefall, but she was only on the second floor and she was hoping the elevator was on the first. Just a one story fall really. Once again, she took advantage of her moment. The creature tired of chasing her around and lunged for her. Dana dove around him, basically sliding the ten feet she had created right into the elevator shaft. The fall was steeper than she realized, about two stories down before she hit the top of the elevator car. She vaguely cursed herself for forgetting the hospital had a basement. But there was no time to lament. She pulled open the elevator safety latch and once again thanked her father for his insight. Elevators with a manual door open in the event of an electrical outage. As Dana jumped out of the elevator and sprinted for the doors of the hospital, she saw three creatures emerge from the stairwell. Two with breasts and one burly looking one. Dana froze for the second time in the last ten minutes as realization washed over her. The three Scavengers. It was almost funny, all the times she had thought of Scavengers as barely human and the proof was standing in front of her that they were not.
The three creatures took one step towards Dana and her sense of self preservation kicked back in. She sprinted out the doors of the hospital, taking her preplanned evasive route until she was absolutely sure nothing was following her. She slowed to a cautious walk, checking her well hidden food traps as she did. Her mind wandered as she did. To all the times she had seen Scavengers, and she realized that usually she saw them in buildings her father had built. It occurred to her that she had more confrontations with Scavengers than other people that she interacted with, that maybe that was because they were both drawn to her father's buildings. It seemed preposterous at first but the more she thought back, the surer she was that it was true. The way her father made her watch pretty much every alien movie ever made. The way her father designed his buildings full of hiding places, secret passages, and escape hatches. The way he had made her memorize every plan. Now it seemed that maybe he knew something was coming and was trying to teach her how to protect herself.
Dana returned to her current hideout, a small room behind a false door in a supply closet in her old elementary school. Obviously one of her father's designs as well. Her little brother and sister were happy to see her and even happier to the carrots she had pulled up from one of her hidden gardens. But all Dana could think of was her father's favorite TV show, the one he used to watch over and over again. She had found the show interesting and fun and funny, but she never had even once believed that aliens were real. Until today. Today she found they were real and she was now facing the very real possibility her father was expecting them to come. And if they were searching her father's buildings for something, then it was very very possible they were searching for her and her siblings. Dana took a deep breath and realized she would have to fight this one alone. No fathers or Doctors here.
"We've got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it."
Dana wasn't sure which way to go. Maybe the best thing would have been to say still, to stay hidden. These Scavengers would never find her, especially at night. But she didn't have the time to wait. She had promised to be back in Eden in a few hours, she had promised her little brother and sister that she would bring them food. And Dana wasn't one to leave her promises unfulfilled.
The Scavengers made another pass in the room, almost as if they knew she was there. She barely thought of them as human at this point despite the fact they looked the same as everyone else. But in these times, people fell into two groups, Scavengers and everyone else. Dana remembered the world before. Before an errant asteroid fell and set the entire planet off kilter. Dana remembered gangs and would laugh at the thought now. She remembered growing up in a rough neighborhood in Philly. That was a joke. Philly didn't exist anymore. Sure the land was still there. That big cracked bell was still there. But Philly was gone. In its place was a no man's land. The edge of civilization. Philly was the southernmost point now of what was left of the U.S. The oceans had shifted and there was beach now. But the biggest change was the complete failure of what was left of the government. D.C. was felled by the asteroid and the federal government completely fell apart. The states became so focused on defending their territories that they left their citizens to fend for themselves. Two years later, the citizens overtook the government and brought in the current era of lawlessness.
Then the Scavengers came. People that were little more than animal. They took whatever they wanted and killed anything that moved. Dana had even seen them turn on each other out of sheer boredom. Technically, Dana was a Scavenger. Her parents had joined with the group, thinking it was the only way to ensure protection and food in this post-apocalyptic world. Within two weeks, her father had been killed and her mother was being passed around with as much courtesy as a cigarette. They ignored Dana because she looked so young, younger than she actually was. And while they were busy ignoring her, she had escaped with her two siblings. She had never been more appalled at humans and never been more determined to keep her younger siblings away from them.
Now here she was. Trapped inside a wall in the remains of the children's hospital. The place that she and her siblings had been born. The hospital was the first building her father's architecture firm had ever designed and he had framed the blueprints. Blueprints she had memorized before she could even read. This wall was her father's secret spot, a gap in the walls in one specific place that he put in all his buildings. The problem was the gap didn't go anywhere. It was an excellent hiding place but what Dana needed was an escape route.
This Scavenger group consisted of two women and one bury looking man. He looked like he ate children for dinner, which was all too entirely possible for Dana to be comfortable with. Three Scavengers, at least as far as she had seen. There were no food or supplies left, but they seemed interested in breaking down some of the equipment. It was impossible to tell if they were just bored and engaging in destruction for fun. Or if they had plans to use the equipment for something. It seemed ominous if they were breaking down medical equipment for a good reason but Dana didn't have time to worry about that. The three had left the room but she could here them banging around in the room next door. She closed her eyes and visualized the framed blueprints in her dad's office. Dana choked up for a moment, remembering the constant, nagging smell of Newports in her dad's office, the way the smell stuck to the corner chair she used to snuggle into while her father worked.
Dana shook her head, trying to literally clear the memories from her mind. The memories haunted her every night in her dreams. She didn't need them interfering with her mind in the daytime too. Specifically not when she was trying to escape from a group of Scavengers in an abandoned hospital. Dana tried again, closing her eyes and trying to remember exactly what was in the room next to her. She was in the wall of a random office on the third floor. And the rooms on all sides of her were offices too. Then she saw it, saw the blueprints as clear as if she were standing in her father's office. The elevators were two offices away. And where there used to be elevators, there should be an elevator shaft. For anyone else, this might not be a viable option but Dana was not just anyone. She was the girl that had been living in the bottom of elevator shafts with her siblings for the past year. She was the girl whose father had built those elevator shafts and this one, the girl who knew how to open this elevator shaft in 30 seconds.
Dana opened her eyes. The Scavengers sounded like they had moved on down to the next office, thankfully moving in the opposite direction from the elevator shaft. She realized this might be her only chance. She would have preferred to find something to use as a weapon, to take just a moment to calculate exactly how much time she needed, but the last few years had taught her take her moments whenever she got them. Dana took this moment. She raced out of the room, barely glancing to her left before turning right to the elevators. She hadn't seen anyone when she glanced but it was so quick she couldn't be sure. She got to the elevator quickly, jerking out the large magnet from her backpack while she ran. This was the secret, some sort of magnetized system inside the elevator doors. A large enough magnet and Dana could guide the doors open fairly easily. Once inside, Dana knew there would be an iron ladder stairwell that went directly down. Down to freedom.
Dana had opened the doors just wide enough to slip into the empty shaft when a hand suddenly grasped her shoulder. Times had been rough and Dana had been in plenty of altercations before with Scavengers. She was strong and tougher than they ever expected. She should have spun around and clocked the owner of that hand in the face. Except this hand was certainly not human. It was kind of human, with human skin and five fingers. But the fingers were warped, longer and thinner than any human hand should be. The skin was more orange than even any tanning bed could produce. Dana was frozen staring at that hand on her shoulder, terrified to see who that hand belonged to. Not that she had much choice for long. A second hand clamped down on her and tossed her back into the wall. Tossed would be a nice version, a human version of the force used.
It was just a wall, about six feet behind the elevator but it felt the same as the day she had fallen off the second floor balcony at her old house. The air was pushed out of her lungs and she was struggling to drag some new air back in. Her head bounced against the wall violently once causing her vision to blur. But she could see that the magnet was still stuck to the elevator door and the elevator was still open just wide enough for Dana to slip through. She tried to shake off the blurred vision and the realization that something other than human was shoving her around. It didn't really matter if Planet of the Apes had come to be, what mattered was her getting out of that building.
The orangey human thing came towards Dana again. A scary enough to sight to clear her mind and vision instantly. Adrenaline is good for that. Dana pretended to scoot away from the creature, carefully angling herself in a direct line with the gap in the elevator door. She knew jumping into the shaft would be a freefall, but she was only on the second floor and she was hoping the elevator was on the first. Just a one story fall really. Once again, she took advantage of her moment. The creature tired of chasing her around and lunged for her. Dana dove around him, basically sliding the ten feet she had created right into the elevator shaft. The fall was steeper than she realized, about two stories down before she hit the top of the elevator car. She vaguely cursed herself for forgetting the hospital had a basement. But there was no time to lament. She pulled open the elevator safety latch and once again thanked her father for his insight. Elevators with a manual door open in the event of an electrical outage. As Dana jumped out of the elevator and sprinted for the doors of the hospital, she saw three creatures emerge from the stairwell. Two with breasts and one burly looking one. Dana froze for the second time in the last ten minutes as realization washed over her. The three Scavengers. It was almost funny, all the times she had thought of Scavengers as barely human and the proof was standing in front of her that they were not.
The three creatures took one step towards Dana and her sense of self preservation kicked back in. She sprinted out the doors of the hospital, taking her preplanned evasive route until she was absolutely sure nothing was following her. She slowed to a cautious walk, checking her well hidden food traps as she did. Her mind wandered as she did. To all the times she had seen Scavengers, and she realized that usually she saw them in buildings her father had built. It occurred to her that she had more confrontations with Scavengers than other people that she interacted with, that maybe that was because they were both drawn to her father's buildings. It seemed preposterous at first but the more she thought back, the surer she was that it was true. The way her father made her watch pretty much every alien movie ever made. The way her father designed his buildings full of hiding places, secret passages, and escape hatches. The way he had made her memorize every plan. Now it seemed that maybe he knew something was coming and was trying to teach her how to protect herself.
Dana returned to her current hideout, a small room behind a false door in a supply closet in her old elementary school. Obviously one of her father's designs as well. Her little brother and sister were happy to see her and even happier to the carrots she had pulled up from one of her hidden gardens. But all Dana could think of was her father's favorite TV show, the one he used to watch over and over again. She had found the show interesting and fun and funny, but she never had even once believed that aliens were real. Until today. Today she found they were real and she was now facing the very real possibility her father was expecting them to come. And if they were searching her father's buildings for something, then it was very very possible they were searching for her and her siblings. Dana took a deep breath and realized she would have to fight this one alone. No fathers or Doctors here.
"We've got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it."
Monday, July 15, 2013
love the way you lie
"I can't tell you what it really is..."
The kids sat in a quiet circle, all six of them. Uncomfortable and looking to the woman for instruction. A woman that really wasn't much older than them and vividly remembered the teen phase of her life. This was the first session of a new group, a day she both loathed and found thrilling. Each group was different and according to the files back on her desk, this might be the most difficult and diverse group yet. Usually there was overlap, kids that had been through similar or at least comparable things. Kids that could find a way to relate to each other. But her clientele had been expanding and these kids all had distinctly different demons plaguing them.
After a few sessions, the woman knew she was losing them. They remained mostly quiet when someone talked, with the occasional clearing of throat or exaggerated sigh. Those sounds, along with the eye rolling and thumb twiddling, spoke volumes. The kids were disinterested, judgmental, and just generally bored with these sessions. They spoke in generalities when it was their turn, each one of them so focused on trying to say the right thing that they weren't really saying anything at all. In short, they weren't relating to each other. Which was the sole reason she put the kids in group sessions. The woman took the loners and tried desperately to show them they weren't alone. She didn't know what to do next but she was determined to keep trying, posing new questions and implementing new exercises at each session.
"...I can only tell you what it feels like."
When the breakthrough finally happened, it was so unplanned and unexpected that the woman nearly missed the moment. Lauryn was talking. She was a girl that didn't speak often, probably because of the incessant bullying she suffered. Based on her file, the woman figured Lauryn tried to be invisible as much as possible. But today something had happened. Lauryn was the first one to raise her hand. She volunteered to speak and when she did, she was surprisingly and refreshingly honest. Lauryn was actually sharing and the other kids were listening.
The woman never thought Lauryn wold be the spark for this group. She was a plain girl, with no outstanding features, good or bad. Not too tall or too short. Not too fat or skinny. Strictly middle class. She dressed in a general nondescript, teenage manor. Nothing about her stood out. Yet she still was picked on mercilessly by her classmates all because she was new. It had happened quickly, thanks to one freak incident in the lunchroom with one of the "cool kids". And it was months before the school even cared enough to tell her parents what was going. Months of ugly notes in her locker, trash being tossed at her when she walked down the hallways, anonymous shoves in the locker room and lunchroom and classroom. Months of soul-crushing behaviors before she snapped and drove her car into a tree at full speed. That tree happened to be on the school campus and that was the day the school called her parents.
Yes, the woman wasn't sure what happened today, but Lauryn was obviously feeling brave and open. And her words were having a visible effect on the other kids.
Lauryn talked about becoming a target for unreasonable reasons. And Sean, who had been attacked and beaten by six boys at his school because of his sexual orientation, stopped fiddling with his shoelaces and looked up.
Lauryn talked about how the fear and the desperation outweighed the anger. And Alicia, who had repeatedly been molested by her foster brother, took her feet out her chair and leaned forward.
Lauryn talked about the judgment in the eyes of the teachers. And Kelly, who had a brief but violent mental breakdown after getting a batch of bad drugs, reached out to hold Lauryn's hand.
Lauryn talked about the unbearable pressure she felt to pretend like everything was okay and continue with the regular day to day. And Alison, who binged and barfed pretty much everything she ate, let a tear roll down her cheek.
Lauryn talked about the loneliness, the isolation, the feeling of being apart while the rest of the world moved on around you, without you. And Harry, whose mother had locked him in closets for days at a time for minor offenses like spilling water on the floor, crossed the circle to hug her.
The woman wanted desperately to understand but she understood the importance of this moment. She let it play out. Each kid spoke that day, each kid opened themselves to the others. There were tears and a few smiles. There was progress. The woman waited until all the other kids had left before grabbing Lauryn. She asked her why she chose today to share. Lauryn just shook her head and patted her shoulder like a child. Then Lauryn told her what she could see, what she could understand that the woman never would. Lauryn could see the telltale signs in Harry, that he was on the verge of driving full speed into that tree just like she had. And that saving him was more important than her pride and privacy.
The kids sat in a quiet circle, all six of them. Uncomfortable and looking to the woman for instruction. A woman that really wasn't much older than them and vividly remembered the teen phase of her life. This was the first session of a new group, a day she both loathed and found thrilling. Each group was different and according to the files back on her desk, this might be the most difficult and diverse group yet. Usually there was overlap, kids that had been through similar or at least comparable things. Kids that could find a way to relate to each other. But her clientele had been expanding and these kids all had distinctly different demons plaguing them.
After a few sessions, the woman knew she was losing them. They remained mostly quiet when someone talked, with the occasional clearing of throat or exaggerated sigh. Those sounds, along with the eye rolling and thumb twiddling, spoke volumes. The kids were disinterested, judgmental, and just generally bored with these sessions. They spoke in generalities when it was their turn, each one of them so focused on trying to say the right thing that they weren't really saying anything at all. In short, they weren't relating to each other. Which was the sole reason she put the kids in group sessions. The woman took the loners and tried desperately to show them they weren't alone. She didn't know what to do next but she was determined to keep trying, posing new questions and implementing new exercises at each session.
"...I can only tell you what it feels like."
When the breakthrough finally happened, it was so unplanned and unexpected that the woman nearly missed the moment. Lauryn was talking. She was a girl that didn't speak often, probably because of the incessant bullying she suffered. Based on her file, the woman figured Lauryn tried to be invisible as much as possible. But today something had happened. Lauryn was the first one to raise her hand. She volunteered to speak and when she did, she was surprisingly and refreshingly honest. Lauryn was actually sharing and the other kids were listening.
The woman never thought Lauryn wold be the spark for this group. She was a plain girl, with no outstanding features, good or bad. Not too tall or too short. Not too fat or skinny. Strictly middle class. She dressed in a general nondescript, teenage manor. Nothing about her stood out. Yet she still was picked on mercilessly by her classmates all because she was new. It had happened quickly, thanks to one freak incident in the lunchroom with one of the "cool kids". And it was months before the school even cared enough to tell her parents what was going. Months of ugly notes in her locker, trash being tossed at her when she walked down the hallways, anonymous shoves in the locker room and lunchroom and classroom. Months of soul-crushing behaviors before she snapped and drove her car into a tree at full speed. That tree happened to be on the school campus and that was the day the school called her parents.
Yes, the woman wasn't sure what happened today, but Lauryn was obviously feeling brave and open. And her words were having a visible effect on the other kids.
Lauryn talked about becoming a target for unreasonable reasons. And Sean, who had been attacked and beaten by six boys at his school because of his sexual orientation, stopped fiddling with his shoelaces and looked up.
Lauryn talked about how the fear and the desperation outweighed the anger. And Alicia, who had repeatedly been molested by her foster brother, took her feet out her chair and leaned forward.
Lauryn talked about the judgment in the eyes of the teachers. And Kelly, who had a brief but violent mental breakdown after getting a batch of bad drugs, reached out to hold Lauryn's hand.
Lauryn talked about the unbearable pressure she felt to pretend like everything was okay and continue with the regular day to day. And Alison, who binged and barfed pretty much everything she ate, let a tear roll down her cheek.
Lauryn talked about the loneliness, the isolation, the feeling of being apart while the rest of the world moved on around you, without you. And Harry, whose mother had locked him in closets for days at a time for minor offenses like spilling water on the floor, crossed the circle to hug her.
The woman wanted desperately to understand but she understood the importance of this moment. She let it play out. Each kid spoke that day, each kid opened themselves to the others. There were tears and a few smiles. There was progress. The woman waited until all the other kids had left before grabbing Lauryn. She asked her why she chose today to share. Lauryn just shook her head and patted her shoulder like a child. Then Lauryn told her what she could see, what she could understand that the woman never would. Lauryn could see the telltale signs in Harry, that he was on the verge of driving full speed into that tree just like she had. And that saving him was more important than her pride and privacy.
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