ooh oh

"I've been hiding all my life and I've been trying to keep me safe. But I've been healing and I've been thinking I am ready finally for something more than this."

Shannon smoothed down the front of her sundress and glanced at her reflection one more time. She wondered if they would think she looked difference. Probably not. She was just wearing a simple yellow sundress and brown flat sandals. Cute, pretty even, but nothing particularly spectacular. But when Shannon looked in the mirror she could see the difference. A light in her eyes that wasn't there yesterday. She wasn't sure if it was even there a few hours ago. It was amazing how a few hours could change a person's life.

Nothing dramatic had happened. No momentous, life-altering events had occurred. Just a particularly eye-opening therapy session. One of those dramatic a-ha moments she had been waiting for the past year. Shannon had never really been sure about this therapy thing. She found the time interesting, found it refreshing to get some things off her chest. But the sessions had never really done much to change her outlook until today. Today Shannon had talked about an ex. A guy that she had casually dated a few years ago, and happened to run into again recently. He was married now with a daughter on the way. Shannon was glad for him, he was a good guy. But it made her realize her life was stalled.

The therapist had dug in here and really earned his money this week. Shannon had gotten to the heart of what was holding her back. Fear. The smug expression on her therapist's face told her that he had known this for awhile. Shannon was surprised at this revelation but it made sense. Looking back at the relationships she'd watched her mother have with a string of jerks. A pattern her sister repeated. A pattern that Shannon was so determined not to fall into that she was pushing people away and keeping herself closed off.

Shannon had set in her bedroom for two hours after the session, letting this information sink into her. Fear. She was afraid of being hurt, afraid of loving someone unworthy, afraid of having to pick herself up after the heartbreak. She was living in a state of fear. An easy life in some ways but completely unfulfilling. A gaping hole had been exposed that she couldn't cover back up now. Her fear had pushed her into this lonely, bitter life that she didn't want to lead anymore.

Yesterday was the last day she would lead this life. At least that's what she told herself and that was the first step. Realistically, it would be hard. Probably the hardest thing she'd ever done. She had at least the last fifteen years worth of behavior to overcome. Shannon imagined there would be a lot of doubt and second guessing and setbacks, but at least now she was going the right way down the path. At least now she had a little bit of hope for something more.

i told the storm

“Go away. I command you to move today. Because of faith, I have a brand new day. The sun will shine and I will be okay.”

Mommy always took me to Church on Sundays. We would get up early and could only eat cereal for breakfast and had to put on uncomfortable clothes and tight shoes. Then we would to go to Church. She said it was important that I go and so it must have been even though I didn't really like it. There were lots of people I didn't know but they all acted like they knew me. People that liked to pat my head and give me hugs. Mommy always gave me a special smile when I didn't squirm away from the people. And Church was long. People talking and people singing. On and on and on. Mommy would never let us leave early no matter how nicely I asked.

But I always tried to listen because Mommy said Church was important. Whenever I looked at her she was listening hard, watching the Preacher talk or singing with the Choir. The only time she wasn't watching was during the Prayer, when Mommy said we had to put our heads down and close our eyes. The Prayer was special time because that was when we talked to God. That's what Church was all about. God. And his son Jesus. Whenever I listened hard like Mommy, the Preacher was always talking about God and Jesus. About how God created the world and how Jesus saved us. I wasn't really sure what he had saved us all from but it must have been pretty bad. The Preacher also told us that God would protect us if we said the Prayer to him. I remembered that from the last time I was at Church and listening hard.

And last night I said my first Prayer alone. I did it quiet so Mommy wouldn't hear me. We were squished in the bathtub, me, Mommy, and my dog Basil. The rain was was so loud on the roof that it sounded like a hammer. And there was a lot of wind too. There weren't any windows in the bathroom but I could hear stuff banging against the side of the house. Mommy was holding my hand so hard it hurt and was using her other hand to find a signal on the radio. It was all staticy. So while she was doing that, I closed my eyes and said the Prayer. I did just like the Preacher said and asked God to protect us. And Jesus too, after all he had saved us once before. I did the Amen at the end just like in Church.

I remembered falling asleep on Basil in the bathtub and when I woke up there was no rain or wind. I woke Mommy up when I tried to get out of the bathtub and she got out first. The door was stuck at first but we both pushed together and finally got the bathroom door open. All the stuff in Mommy's bedroom was all over the place. The window was open and there was stuff in here that looked like my toy car parts, except for real-life cars.  Mommy looked out the window, then ran outside. Me and Basil followed behind her. All the other houses looked bad. A tree had fallen across two of them. There was truck sticking out of one of them. Big chunks of some of the houses were missing.

But our house looked the same. No trees or cars or missing pieces. I guess the Prayer worked.

bottle it up

"Soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren't you, it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love."

The cup shattered all around her with shards coming to the edge of her feet. Claire looked down absently, only registering the broken glass enough to tiptoe around it. Her eyes never left the view of the backyard through the sliding doors leading out from the kitchen. As she walked, she tried to remember the last time she had even opened those doors. Too long.

Maybe to the common observer, the yard looked okay. The grass was cut low, flowers were blooming, birds chirping and all that nonsense. But she wasn't a common observer and she was not pleased with what she saw. Claire had created her oasis her, had spent hours happily constructing her own Eden in this yard. What she was seeing was decidedly not Eden-like. Misshapen bushes along the walkway, weeds growing mightily in the flower bed, overripe vegetables in the garden.

Claire remembered the bright, early morning she came out here. Her routine had been so simple yet so satisfying. Early morning rising, a grapefruit and iced green tea, a.m. yoga at the studio down the street followed by scrambled eggs, then at least an hour in the garden. Claire came out even when it was ice cold or foggy or slightly drizzly. The only thing that would stop her was an actual rainstorm, and even then she would sometimes sit at her kitchen table fervently hoping the rain would end soon. She would get more done before 8 a.m. than any of the people she knew. Her friends thought she was crazy for starting her days like that, even the days she had to go into the office. But they didn't complain when they were munching on the vegetables and herbs from her garden. Nor when she hosted birthday parties or cookouts in the backyard.

How did this happen? Claire considered the question briefly but the answer was obvious. She just didn't want to face it. Her nights used to be filled with quick chores like loading the dishwasher and ironing tomorrow's clothes, reading in bed, and falling into sleep at a reasonable time. Now her nights were late, filled with pool halls and movie theaters and bars and bowling alleys. Her beautiful, blissful mornings filled with yoga and light food and cultivating her yard were now consisted of hitting the snooze button, strong coffee, and hastily made stacks of pancakes. Now her nights and mornings were preoccupied with Connor.

Connor, whose kisses were like rain, but that was the only thing light and airy about him. Claire remembered that her whole life used to be light and airy. Then came Connor and those kisses. Now she had been sucked into his world. It had all been so fun and new at first, new places and people and adventures. A whirlwind. But the fun vacation feeling had ended a while ago and Claire was now faced with the realization that what she had mistaken as a vacation was actually her life. And she couldn't live like this.

There were a lot of things Claire wasn't sure of as she walked through her yard to the small tool shed. She wasn't sure if the squash in her garden would be edible. She wasn't sure if her roses would recover from weeks of neglect. She wasn't sure how long it would take her to get this backyard back into shape. She wasn't sure when was the last time she had sat out here after work with a glass of wine. She wasn't sure how Connor would react to early nights and early mornings. But Claire was absolutely certain of one thing as she put on her gardening gloves. She was sure she was about to find out.

one of us

"What would you ask if you had just one question?"

Death.

So far it wasn't anything like Nathan thought it would be. He thought it would be more like the grave, dark, dank, and generally terrifying. He had never really believed the stories of bright lights, but Nathan remembered laying there, covered in his own blood and fighting for breath, he hoped there would be a bright light. Now he was dead, the fight was over, and there was absolutely no bright light.

But things weren't so dark and dank. It was a lot more like Earth than he could have imagined. Being here was discombobulating at first. He had no body but could still see and hear. Movement still felt like walking even though he had no legs. Nathan got over it quickly as he watched the other souls moving about. Somehow as easy to see the differences in as the human face, despite the fact they were all wisps of air surrounding a spark of light.

Then the air changed. At first it seemed like a storm, then Nathan realized that storms in the afterlife seemed unnecessary. And the wind was flowing directly towards and around him. The other souls simply moved around the storm. Nathan thought he caught a glimpse of something in the wind and tried to focus in on it. Suddenly he could see it. Sets of wings, moving so rapidly that he honestly wasn't sure how he was able to see it. Maybe super senses happened in the afterlife. Nathan was awed as it hit him what was happening. Wings in the afterlife could only be one thing, right? Angels.

The wings ushered him towards a remote landscape. A section of this place where souls became sparse. The ones that were here seemed different in a very visible way. If Nathan and the other souls had still been alive, they would be human. But these souls were something else, something more than the humans Nathan was familiar with. Even their souls were different looking. Larger accumulations of the wispy air and the spark inside each was definitely brighter. The wings finally stopped beating frantically. They were still and Nathan marveled at how magnificent there were.

Gigantic sets of wings, towering to at least eight feet, all so pale they were nearly translucent. Yet, just like the souls, they were the same but distinct. Some seemed stronger, some seemed nicer, some just were more radiant. Nathan was staring at them with open awe. Then the light finally came. He was still staring at the wings when he felt it. His back was to it and he wasn't sure how he knew it was light. It wasn't warm like a wash of sunlight. It was more like a magnet, drawing him away from the wonder of the majestic wings, turning him around, and pulling him towards it.

The light was bright, consuming, but not blinding. It was beautiful, more amazing than the wings. Somewhere in the back of his thoughts, Nathan registered two sets of wings flagging the light as well as a trail of air like low fog at his feet. He really could care less about the angels or the fog, he just wanted to be closer to that light. As the light neared, he saw a secondary smaller but more brilliant light directly behind the one drawing him in. The second light was so much smaller and not nearly as magnetic, but glorious enough to temporarily draw his eye. Only a second, then Nathan refocused on the magnetic light.

Nathan made it to the light, and just knelt in front of it. It seemed like the right thing to do, an instinctual act. He knelt and he waited. And felt dumb as the reality of what was happening dawned on him. This was Him. The one and only, the Creator in front of him. Watching him and waiting for him to understand. Nathan wasn't even surprised when a sudden understanding of what was happening emerged in his thoughts, as clearly as if someone had spoken to him. But of course no one had. This was the first day of the afterlife and every returned soul got an audience with their Maker. Got to come to him with one question which would be answered truthfully.

It was a lot. An understatement of course, but Nathan was overwhelmed. The secrets of creation and the universe lay before him. The chicken or the egg. The meaning of life. The existence of aliens. The big bang. All things that zoomed through his head. But Nathan kept coming back to the same thought, the secret turmoil that plagued him throughout his life. He had never spoken it, never even admitted it to himself. But it was there. So he asked it, the only real question, the only one that mattered. He knew he should have already known and internalized the answer, was a bit ashamed to ask but he had take advantage of this one chance. Nathan gazed up into the light and let the question fully form in his mind, sure that the Creator could hear it.

Do you love me?

journey to the past

"People always say life is full of choices. No one ever mentions fear."

It was too hot outside for Jasmine's emotions to be in turmoil. Seriously, it had to be like 100 degrees out there. Jasmine had the air conditioning blasting inside the car. Every single person outside looked hot. In a way it was comforting. That this wasn't the idyllic scene she thought it would be. That some people were miserable trying to move the belongings from the childhood, lifelong bedrooms to a tiny dorm room to share with a stranger. Jasmine was even pretty sure she caught a couple of faces of misery that had nothing to do with the heat.

So maybe she wasn't in this completely alone. It was the only time in Jasmine's life that she remembered being grateful for another person's suffering. She should have felt guilty, should have been ashamed. But Jasmine didn't. She felt relieved and for the first time in this long drive upstate, she felt the sense of dread that had parked in her stomach begin to alleviate. Jasmine slowly turned the ignition on the car and climbed out. She grabbed a small box and her backpack with all the dorm materials, and headed into the building.

It did not escape Jasmine's eye that her dorm was right beside an all boys' dorm. Good to know. Jasmine shuffled pass the other students and their parents. For a moment she felt a childish tinge to have her mother here with her for this fiasco. But she'd never really had the moving on campus type of parents and at this point it would have been awkward for them start being those people. She loved her parents dearly and were absolutely sure they loved her as best they could. But Jasmine wasn't actually sure they were cut out to be parental.

Yes, Jasmine was glad they weren't there but did wish someone else was. By the time she'd climbed the stairs to the third floor, she was really wishing someone had come along with her. Lugging all those boxes was going to be a nightmare, even if she did wait in the long line for the elevator. So Jasmine slowly unloaded her care. By the time all the boxes were unloaded and her car was tucked away in the student garage, Jasmine could barely resist the urge to flop down on her extra-long twin sized bed. But she did and she unpacked and set up her computer and checked her schedule a dozen times.

On the second round of cleaning, the door to the room opened and a girl with bright blue hair walked in. Lysa, the roommate no doubt.


Four years later, Jasmine couldn't help but think of that day as she waited for the speaker to finish. No one really listened to these things, did they? Jasmine thought of that first day. How excited she had been back in high school when she applied and when she got her acceptance letter. Juxtaposed with how terrified she was that first day of orientation when she moved in. Now here she was, all said and done, and Jasmine was absolutely sure of one thing. This school, these people, the things she had learned, it was the best decision she'd ever made. The speaker finished, Jasmine stood, grabbing Lysa's henna-covered right hand, and moved the tassel on her cap to the other side.

Jasmine looked into Lysa's glowing face and wasn't sure whether to whoop, laugh, or cry. Life was sure to throw a lot at her but this moment in time was one thing she would always be certain.

how will i know

"Falling in love is all bittersweet. This love is strong. Why do I feel weak?"

Willa stopped to look at herself in the mirror. Her outfit was new, her hair was just the way she liked it, her her makeup light and airy. The outside of her was perfect which wasn't surprising. Her mother had raised her to be perfect. Every article clothing, every strand of hair, were to be meticulous at all times. Sometimes she shuddered thinking of the scoldings she'd gotten when she was in elementary school. Willa had usually been up to par on the way out the door but it was impossible to return home the same way. Now that she was in high school, Willa arrived home before her mother and was able to correct any imperfections.

So it was no surprise to her that she looked perfect on the outside. There were just two things wrong with her image in the mirror. She was judging her look by her own standards, inherited from her mother. What were Lincoln's standards? Would he expect her to be dressed sexier? But Willa thought this new dress was sort of sexy. A black linen dress that came down to her mid-thigh. It even had a v-neck, something that had taken an hour for her mother to get over. But maybe she was too dressed up altogether, maybe he was expecting her in the khakis and simple skirts she wore to school. Willa glanced around her room frantically for a moment and quickly came to the conclusion that this dress was her best bet. It was the sexiest thing she owned by far and she knew that she wanted to dress up for Lincoln.

The second thing that was wrong was Willa herself. From the neck down she looked put together. But the make-up couldn't hide the terror in her eyes. Or the way her hands were shaking. And if she kept licking her lips, all of her lipstick would be gone in five minutes. But the worst part was her stomach, the constant butterflies were nearly making her nauseous. Willa tried to shake it off but deep inside she knew the importance of this date, knew that this could be a changing point in her life.

Willa had met Lincoln hiding behind the stacks in the library five months ago. They had quickly struck up conversation about books and became fast friends. At first it was just friends, for about a month. They both would meet in the library, reading books and quietly talking, during the lunch period. Then Lincoln had asked her for some help on his English project. The first time she went to Lincoln's house to help him, the sparks were undeniable. Something about leaving the library, seeing him at his home. And maybe the tank top and basketball shorts looked pretty sexy on him too.

That had been four months ago. Lincoln had slowly turned her world around. Taught her to accept her flaws and not be disgraced by them. Showed her there was more to life than straight As and perfect attendance. He was always finding new things for them do, their own little adventures. Karaoke and ice skating and petting zoos and farmer's markets and free concerts. They read books aloud to each other, beautiful stories of romance and adventure.

Today was the day things would change. Things would move forward in a big way. She could feel because every time she thought of Lincoln her heart would swell, she would feel like bursting into tears, or flames even. And Willa knew tonight was important because she knew Lincoln. He liked to keep things calm and casual, mostly for her sake because he knew she was slightly neurotic and anal. But this date he'd made a big deal about. This date he had told her was special. Willa's best friend had called it the "love" date. An enormous part of Willa believed it, wanted it so badly she was nearly insane. But there was a small, undeniable part that was simply and wholly terrified.

Willa heard the beep of Lincoln's horn. No more time for dallying or worrying. One thing was certain, she was going to get out to that car before her mother did. It had taken Willa twenty minutes on the phone to convince Lincoln not to come to the door. Willa grabbed her purse and a sweater, dashing down the stairs. She said a rushed goodbye to her mother, breezing through the door. Willa clambered into the car, somewhat ungracefully, looking over her shoulder to see if her mother had followed out the front door. When she was satisfied her mom wasn't coming out, she turned to face Lincoln and caught him staring directly at her. Before she could even open her mouth, he did it. Just said those three words as easily as someone would say hello.

Willa had been right. Her whole world had just changed.

i wonder

"I'm a star. How could I not shine?"

Paige rolled her eyes and braced herself for what was next. This was her third class of the day and the third time the teacher made her stand in the front of the room to introduce herself. She recognized a few of the kids this time, eyes rolling the same way hers were.

The first time had been such a disaster. Paige had stood up proudly, confidence from her popularity at her previous school clouding her better sense. She gave a spiel about her general awesomeness, listing off extracurriculars and talents she'd accumulated her freshmen and sophomore years. She even gave a shout out to her previous high school. Paige had ended her monologue with her most dazzling smile. A smile that faded as the other kids snorted and chuckled.

The second time was better but still not actually good. At least the other kids didn't laugh at her. Because she barely said anything. Just her name and where she used to live. Then she scurried to her seat before she could again make a fool of herself. But once seated, she was a bit ashamed of herself. She remembered the new kids when they came to her former school, the way they would mumble and look embarrassed. The way she always knew those were the weak ones.

So this was the third time and she had to get it right. Because Paige knew it was either third time's the charm or third strike and out. Paige walked directly past the teacher, sat her books and backpack down in an empty chair, then joined the teacher in the front of the room. She waited patiently while the teacher quieted the class and gave her "let's welcome the new girl" spiel. Paige took a deep breath, turned towards the fidgeting kids ogling her, and gave it her best.

Her best, which ended up being brilliant. Paige mocked herself, pointing out the few kids from her first class and giving a parody of her first introduction. Spurred on by their genuine laughter, she pointed out the kid from her second class and mimicked her mumbling mess. Again, laughter. And she stopped the humor there, determined to act like a normal, sane teenage girl. After the few laughs died down, Paige calmly introduced herself with a genuine smile. Paige Woods from Indianapolis, has two parents, one kid brother, and two dogs, plays tennis, and, like all teenage girls, loves the mall.

Paige settled into her seat feeling victorious. It was reasonable to be nervous on the first day at a new school, but she was glad that was over. As class started, a couple of the girls introduced themselves and Paige began to really feel at ease. Things here were going to be just fine. Why was she ever worried?