tell me why

"Down here from the ground I see who you are."

It had changed so many things in her life. It wasn't really the big stuff that bothered her. The trial, the look of pity on her friends and families' faces. She had prepared herself for that and she was a fighter. And it wasn't the things she expected. It had only taken three months for her to start back dating. Now, seven months after it happened, she had a boyfriend and they had a healthy, normal relationship.

But there were these things. She used to be a stomach sleeper and now just laying on her stomach for a few seconds created instant panic. The elevator at work made this loud clicking sound when it arrived on a floor, a sound too similar to cocking a gun. Just two days ago, her infant nephew had pulled her hair and it took all her bodily control to not drop him immediately. The smell of coffee. It was these strange, small, unexpected moments that brought up the terror of that night. She didn't know how to get past it.

It seemed like it had happened so long ago. Almost as if it happened to another person. Maybe her radar was down, but she had never gotten an uneasy feeling about the guy. They had run into each other at the grocery store a few times, flirted shamelessly, and finally he had asked her out for coffee. They had coffee and everything was fine. Pleasant conversation, a respectable amount of chivalry, no sexual advances or innuendo. So when he asked her to dinner at the end of the coffee date, she felt completely comfortable saying yes.And even dinner had gone well. They dined at one of her favorite restaurants. Shared a bottle of wine. More great conversation. Then he drove her home. They sat in the car talking for fifteen minutes, so eventually she invited him in for coffee. The night was still relatively young and she wanted to finish their conversation.

The mistake of her life. It didn't take long after they were both inside and the door was locked that everything changed. A lot of it was blurry, almost like a dream. But there was a distinct moment, before the nightmare really started, that she knew something was wrong. She dropped her keys after she came in the house. When she bent down to pick them up, she glanced up at him. Really she was trying to see if he was checking her out. And he was, but the look in his eye wasn't a man checking out a woman's cleavage. It was a savage look of a tiger stalking its prey.

harder to breathe

"Does it kill? Does it burn? Is it painful to learn that its me that has all the control?"

It had taken awhile, but her plan had come together well. Of course, she had never suspected otherwise. Beth had perfected this game.

In the beginning, she had really hoped things would be different. That Will would be different from those other guys. That he was interested in more than her body. But she was wrong. Beth wavered for a moment recalling the way her hope and desire had been killed with one quick conversation. Will made it perfectly and painfully clear that this was just a sex thing. Of course, she had controlled her reaction and agreed convincingly.

Now here she was four months later. The so-called sex thing had continued. And Beth had spent these four months lying to herself, burying any real feelings she had for Will and encouraging the notion that he should be treated just like any other guy from her past. Use then lose.
Beth recognized the perfect moment a week away. Will had suddenly become a little more tender when they had sex. He had shown signs of jealousy when he saw another guy approach her. He had called her a few times just to chat.

Beth turned to him that morning after she got dressed, after a night of putting in some of her best work. She told him that she thought they should end things, that she was ready to move on to a new fling, that this had just gotten a little stale. And of course that they should still remain friends.

She saw it. That look of surprise, disappointment, confusion. The look of being hurt. She knew that look because she had felt it, and now Beth was supposed to be relishing in passing that hurt along to him. Instead, her own hurt surfaced suddenly and threatened to break her whole facade. She grabbed her things, threw a quick goodbye over her shoulder, and left him there alone in his apartment trying to figure out what had just happened.

Beth made it to her car, which was thankfully parked out of sight from Will's apartment. The tears came streaming down despite her best effort to calm herself. She wiped them away frantically, knowing that no matter how bad she felt now her pride would never let her change her mind. This was done.

breathless

"When you feel the world is crashing all around your feet, come running headlong into my arms."

Devin couldn't help but scan the room the moment she entered the old gymnasium. She wasn't having feelings of nostalgia from the hundreds of times she had been in this room watching basketball games or having cheer practice. She wasn't taking in the sight of her former classmates as they mingled awkwardly. She was looking for him.

Devin had planned to come to this high school reunion for all the typical reasons. There were people she hadn't seen in years that she was genuinely looking forward to catching up with. And of course there were people that she just nosily wanted to see what happened to. And yes Devin was also happy to show off her new fiance and tell everyone about her important job in Los Angeles.

Then three weeks before the reunion, she found out the news. Ryan was sick. Really sick. Cancer sick. Of course Devin didn't find out from Ryan; they hadn't spoke in nearly eight years. A friend of a friend told her.

So here she was looking around for this boy from high school. Ryan. The one that got away, as she had jokingly told her fiance. And now that Devin was surrounded by this familiar place and former friends, those old feelings stirred up a little more than she expected. But she did her part. She mingled and hugged and drank punch.

Then there Ryan was. She nearly fell over him trying to avoid a girl she used to take Spanish with. The party was almost over, so Ryan asked her for the last dance. It was all so epic, so high school. Devin glanced furtively at her fiance who nodded his head okay. She noticed some reluctance in his eyes, but he knew how important this was for her.

All Devin really remembered about that dance was that the music was slow and a little melancholy, that Ryan was thinner than expected when she put her arms on his shoulders, and that they never said a word. But somehow it was perfect. It was the fulfillment of a crush. It was the reuniting of old friends. It was goodbye.

The song ended. Ryan stepped back, then took her in for a quick but powerful hug. Then he was gone, just as abruptly as he had appeared. Devin turned and walked unsteadily towards her fiance who gratefully met her halfway. And she cried, which is maybe what she had really been waiting to do all along.