born this way

"I'm on the right track. Baby, I was born to be brave."

I should have been focused on the things I was ready to be done with. The constant back pain and swollen ankles. Carrying around an extra 35 pounds while suffering through the hottest summer on record. And I shouldn't have been scared since I had done this once before. But it was unsettling how the fear remained and even intensified this time around. The first baby had been a mystery. I was sure it was going to be hard but know I knew just how difficult it would all be.

I tried to focus on other things. The small gold cross the nurse wore around her neck. Identifying the slightly off-white color of the floor tiles. Should it be called ecru? Not quite, more like pearl. The doctors and nurses seemed so calm and I guess they should be. They did this every day and right here and now I had made the decision I was never doing this again.

Truth be told, I wasn't anxious about the birth. As I said, I had been here before and come away with a healthy baby girl. It was everything that came after. The sleepless nights. The colic. The neverending diaper changes only to be followed by the complicated task of potty training. The tantrums and the food throwing and the incidental head butts. The checking the crib five times every night for the terror of SIDS. The beat my heart misses every time there's a fall or a bruise or the slightest cry of pain. The constant fear of the worst-case scenario.

And here I was doing it all over again. Bringing another innocent, defenseless human being into this world. Giving myself the task of feeding and clothing two children. Of raising two kids to be intelligent and respectful and kind and trustworthy and responsible. Of teaching two children that life is filled with just as much luck as it is brutal unfairness, that some people are just as unabashedly giving as some are senselessly cruel, and that learning from the luck and the unfairness, that identifying the giving from the cruel can make all the difference.

Then there she was. A final push and suddenly a little girl was cradled in my arms. And one look at her told me everything there was to know. I was sure things would be hard because life always is. But I was even  more sure that she would come out on top.