when doves cry

"How can you just leave me standing alone in a world that's so cold?"

The tears streamed down her face.

There goes one for anger. The only one she wants to shed for that emotion. It’s too simple a description, too easy a scapegoat to hide the source of her tears.

There’s the rush of disappointment. The feeling she chastises herself for first. What would be disappointment without expectation. The disappointment she mulls over, trying to determine if her expectations were warranted, if they were promised, or if they were a child’s imagination.

There’s a blush of embarrassment rolling down the left cheek, burning hot like fire.

A waterfall of frustration. A beautiful cascade of sheer, tearing out hair madness for the things just beyond her understanding. The things she covets greedily, her endless hopeless pursuit.

There goes one for anger. The face in her mirror has red eyes and a sniffling nose and a trembling mouth. An idiot’s eyes, a whiner’s nose, and a weakling’s mouth.

little red corvette

"I guess I should've known by the way you parked your car sideways that it wouldn't last."

Julian Ashland. His car was shiny. And so fast. And the only thing smoother than the ride in that car was him. He was that guy. You know, that guy you see in all those teeny bopper movies. The hero. The guy that comes into a room and everyone knows his name and wants to be seen with him. The guy that the girls would mud wrestle for in front of their grannies just to hold his hand. Julian Ashland.

The first time he spoke to me, I could have died. Like right there in the hallway at school. Could've missed science lab, been wheeled to the nurse's office, and awoken with satisfaction at just being talked to by Julian Ashland. But somehow I did not faint. From some ancestral strength deep in my soul, I smiled. We spoke about science lab and parties. About the latest rumors and the most hated teachers. It was only ten minutes, but it was great. I was coherent. I flirted and spoke in full sentences. And I found it easier to talk to him than I would have ever imagined.

The next day he was there again. More with the small talk and the flirting. But today he ended the conversation with an invitation to a movie. Again, I thought of fainting but found my knees were stronger than tree trunks. And I stood, I smiled, and said yes.

Things went from there. Nothing immediately epic like you read in the books but a consistent stream of dates, phone calls, hanging out, locker rendezvous. I was dating Julian Ashland. It was a beautiful time. Our conversations moved from general high school blues to our post-college hopes. Our time together became more intense and simultaneously more comfortable. It was a spectacularly easy, beautiful time.

And as quick and unexpected as it came, it went. He was there and then he was gone. The locker visits ended. The phone conversations were brief and tense. Dates were cancelled with an endless stream of excuses.

I imagine its the feeling one has when trying to catch a fish in an open stream. The solemn quiet while waiting, still and stiff, for a fish to come your way. The joy of finding a fish finally swimming into your hands. The battle of remaining calm enough to try to pull the fish out to face and being strong enough to hold the squirming fish in your hands. The triumph of thinking you've got a good hold on that fish. And the bitter, blinding disappointment when it slips through your hands.

But you should've known. After all that damned fish did have the advantage.

Julian Ashland. I think I'm past it now. The ride was great. The memory is perfect. Looking back, there was no real good reason why it should have started which makes it easier to accept how it ended.

i would die 4 u

"All I really need is to know that you believe."

Jacob walked home from work. If you had passed by him, maybe you would have found him rude for meandering down the middle of the sidewalk. Maybe you would have found him odd for wearing his trench coat on a dry June day. The truth was Jacob barely knew that he was walking and where he was headed. He just walked in a daze, fortunately towards home.

He didn't snap out of his daze until the box he was carrying slipped from his loose grip and landed with a thud on the sidewalk. As he stooped to pick up the box, he saw a man on a bench beside the bus stop staring at him. The man offered Jacob a seat beside him on the bench which Jacob gladly accepted.

Without much prompting, Jacob somberly relayed the details of his day to the stranger. He had been laid off today from the company he had spent the past decade working for. He had started ( the company when it was still a fledgling local business. Now it was a global corporation, and he was expendable.

The stranger had listened patiently and sympathetically, but now rose and stood in front of Jacob. He said nothing about Jacob's day, but simply asked if Jacob knew how to change a tire. Despite his confusion at this strange response, Jacob said yes and followed the stranger towards a car parked a few blocks away.

As Jacob came closer, he realized the car was really a limo. He looked at the stranger fully for the first time and realized by his uniform that he must be a driver. And that the man had a splint on his right index finger, which evidently had prevented him from changing the tire himself.

Jacob worked quickly and had the tire changed in less than 20 minutes. As the stranger thanked Jacob, the rear left door slowly opened. The driver quickly introduced Jacob to his boss and explained how Jacob had just volunteered to help as he walked by. The boss was grateful, and offered Jacob a ride to his house. Exhausted by emotion and the tire change, Jacob gratefully accepted the ride.

In that ten minute trip, the two had quite a conversation about business. The boss was thoroughly impressed at Jacob's knowledge of marketing, public relations, and the dynamics of starting a business. The boss gave him a business card and insisted that Jacob come by his office the next day.

Jacob got out of the car at his house, again thanked the driver and boss for the ride, and turned to walk up the driveway. He paused to look down at the business card. His hands went numb and his jaw dropped open. He was again drawn back to reality by the sound of the box hitting the pavement. He left the box there and sat down beside it. The card belonged to Nathan Barkley, the CEO of a Fortune 100 corporation.

1999

"Life is just a party and parties weren't meant to last."

Its that whole carpe diem thing. That notion to live each moment to the fullest because you never know which one is your last. That whole stop to smell the roses advice.

There are a million ways to say it, but it all means to live. Hope. Dance. Love. Lust. Dream. Imagine. Think. Help. Take a chance. Be compassionate. Smile. Cry. Be humble. Be strong. Work. Play. Discover. Learn. LIVE!

Do all the things you dream of. Be the person you want to be. And start right now. You may not have the chance tomorrow.

call my name

"I know its only been three hours but I love it when you call my name."

Temptation is
The thought of you
And me
Gripping sheets
Or headboards

Seduction is
The sweetest kiss
With roving hands

Connection is
Hearts pounding against each other
Intense rhythms
Sweet rides
Intimacy

Satisfaction is
A primal ecstasy
A loss of control
And the sweet euphoria

Addiction is
Opening my eyes
Wanting more
Now