i miss you so much

"I never asked for this feeling."

Sometimes is she laid very still after waking up and kept her eyes closed, she could still feel him sleeping beside her. Trevor. His slow rhythmic breathing. His arm draped lightly and protectively around her waist.

But these were just memories of moments few and far between. Layla always struggled to hold on to that feeling in the morning and inevitably surrendered to reality after a few seconds. The reality that Trevor was four hours away, that they slept alone every night and could meet in their dreams.

Layla had never wanted this. Anyone who knew her well knew that she was adamantly opposed to long distance relationships. How can you get to know someone over the phone? How can you maintain an intimate connection from just a few visits each year? The long distance relationship just seemed illogical to her.

That was until Trevor. They met while he was in town visiting some old college friends. They hit it off immediately. And as hard as Layla tried to dismiss him and their connection, she eventually succumbed. The two had a great relationship. They had trust and honesty. They were best friends. The chemistry was there.

But sometimes Layla felt so overwhelmed by missing him. It was such a lonely and desperate feeling. Sometimes she worried that she had been right all along. That distance equaled failure, that somehow she would fail him.

motherless child

"I try to run away but I've been running too long."

Daphne looked eagerly around the empty apartment. It was perfect. Loft ceilings. Walk in closets. Stainless steel appliances. It really was a great space. The rent was a little higher than she had planned but Daphne could manage. She eagerly signed the lease the rental agent had prepared for her and set her move in date.

Now came the hard part, telling her friends she was moving. Daphne could imagine the irritation and exasperation already. She knew she would get very little credit for managing to stay in one apartment for two years. And she knew that they would be reluctant to help her. But two years had seemed like a reasonable amount of time to Daphne and she was ready to try something new.

Daphne couldn't understand their stagnancy. Staying in one place too long just seemed like settling down and she was not prepared to do that. After all, life was supposed to be all about change. So she liked to change things. New apartments, new cell phone numbers, new cars.
In fact, Daphne was beginning to think about moving to a new city altogether. She had been in Boston for seven years. Her life had gotten so comfortable and routine that she found it unsettling in some ways. But she adored her friends and found the thought of leaving them even more unsettling.

This new apartment would appease her. It would satisfy her constant urge to change, at least for the moment. Staying in her old apartment just couldn't work. The people there knew her too well, greeting her in the hallways and checking on her well-being. The kids in the neighborhood could recognize her car. The people in the management office knew her by name.

Daphne felt smothered. She knew this feeling. It was how she felt at family holidays, reunions, graduations, and any other event where her family gathered en masse. The expectation was overwhelming. The questions were invasive, her answers short and awkward. And Daphne always left frustrated and feeling more isolated than before. It was the feeling she ran from desperately and would continue to run from no matter where it took her.

let me go

"I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand."

The table may as well have been an ocean between them. Sid and Davey sat quietly in the wooden dining room chairs. Davey silently ran his hand along the cherry finish of the table. Sid sat unmoving with his arms crossed defiantly. Another few tense minutes passed before Sid finally broke the silence.

The scene that came next wasn't pretty. The more they talked, the more the rift grew. And it wasn't as if they didn't try. Sid asked for understanding. He tried over and over again to explain his case. Davey pleaded for compromise, but had to face the reality that there was little left to agree on.

The boys had been friends since the second grade. They had been through everything together. Broken arms, divorce, first loves, and first heartbreaks. They were inseparable. And then one day changed everything.

Sid's older brother died fighting in the war. Sid decided that after graduation, he was joining the army. Despite his youth, Davey was a staunch advocate of piece and had long decried the war. There was little room to negotiate with either of them.

Truth be told, each boy had some understanding for the other's point of view. Each boy was right in a way. And so they argued in a futile attempt to save what they already knew was lost and already missed. In the end, they shook hands as men do when there's nothing left to say. They walked away with sincere well wishes and hollow promises to keep in touch. And the uncomfortable truth that growing up means change.

fallen

It's the bitter taste of losing everything I've held so dear."

The pills sat on the table in front of Marlene. They were two bottles of strong painkillers leftover from the car accident last year. Marlene had barely taken any of the pills. The irony of the situation made her laugh out loud. The bottles were full because she didn't like taking pills.

She took another sip of the large glass of wine. Her hands were shaking and she wasn't quite sure if it was from nervousness or anticipation. Marlene was beyond the point of debating what she was about, but still slightly reluctant to get started. Started with her end.

But there was nothing here for her. Marlene couldn't remember a time when her life didn't seem like it was on a downward spiral. The abusive parents which opened the door for the abusive boyfriends. The last two years of unemployment. Marlene had given up on men and career. But there were her kids, and she had put on a brave face for them and carried on.

Then the accident happened and in one bizarre stroke of misfortune, she lost both her little boys. The way that pick-up truck hit her car, it nearly tore it in half and the damage to the backseat area of the car was extensive. There had been little to no hope for her two boys. And they died.

So Marlene had nothing now. The last year had been unbearable. She was filled with sadness and guilt. It was exhausting. And pretty pointless as far as she was concerned. She took another big gulp of wine, opened a bottle of pills, and began taking them quickly. Right as she was slipping away, she wondered who would find her.

everybody's free (to feel good)

"I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you."

The movie had been playing for nearly forty-five and Todd realized he had no idea what was going. He was just nervous. His mind kept rehearsing the conversation he planned to have with his best friend Kevin after the movie was over. Todd glanced at Kevin in the seat beside him and noticed for the first time that he was really enjoying the movie.

It had taken Todd a long time to decide to tell Kevin what was going on. At least it had seemed long. This was not the first outing where Todd had planned to confide in Kevin, but he had always changed his mind or basically chickened out. But Todd had finally decided that he needed help.

It had been six months since the accident and Todd had barely talked about it with his friends. After all, as he reminded them anytime the subject came up, accidents happen. But Todd knew this had been no ordinary car accident. He had gotten distracted. He had driven through the stop sign. He had hit the silver Focus and permanently injured the driver.

Now Todd needed help. He felt inadequate and embarrassed asking for it. But he had to. All the guilt and the sadness was too much for him to bear alone. He had started to slip away from his social life, he had completely shunned his girlfriend, he nearly had a panic attack every time he got behind in his car. And then four days ago, he got notice of the lawsuit the other driver had filed.

Maybe that was his breaking point. Maybe it was more than he could handle. The idea of having to go through a trial and see what he had done to this other person was completely paralyzing. So today he would tell Kevin. Todd would ask for his help. He wasn't sure what Kevin could really do for him, but somehow he knew just the asking would help tremendously.

trying times

"I keep crying tears of joy. I guess that's what you're put here for. To change these tears of pain to tears of happiness."

Catherine dashed down a few more quick sips of champagne before following the rest of the girls out of the dressing room. Her hands were shaking and a part of her thought she wasn't going to make it the thirty feet to the alter doors.

Then she saw a silhouette of herself in the stained glass windows in the hallway. Light was pouring in from the outside, reminding her of how beautiful this day was. A light that illuminated the hallway beyond its regular muted lighting. She looked perfect in that silhouette.

Catherine's mind eased a little and she began to really take in the moment. This was her wedding day. A day she never imagined to come. Catherine had never been the girl who dreamed about having a family. She simply had not seen herself with a husband or kids, and frankly never wanted the responsibility. That is until Jeff.

It wasn't one of those immediate things. She hadn't looked into Jeff's eyes and knew he was the one. But it was unexpected. Catherine had long ago given up the dating game, opting instead to fill her life with career and family and friends. She was content, but now she realized never fully happy.

Jeff had been like the sunlight. Pouring into her and lighting up the dimness of her heart. It was a feeling she found she could never properly explain, but it was amazing and so real.

So here Catherine was. Her wedding day. And as she finally reached her father and took his hand, she felt calm. One little peek through the small window in the altar door had allowed her to see Jeff and she was sure. Sure that she loved him and sure that she was ready for a life of happiness.