tell him the truth

"Look I know it's no excuse but I'm only human, and young at that. So I'm gonna make mistakes, then hope you understand."

It had all gone so terribly wrong. Mainly, the relationship and that phone call.

Royce had never felt anything like what he felt with Caroline. The very first time he saw her, he loved her. He tried to play it cool, but he had been so obvious in that first moment. Just awe at this beautiful creature before him. He couldn’t fake it. And time would teach that lesson to him over and over again. He adored her and he was foolish enough to think that was enough. That their relationship would be a carefree journey. Something straight out of the movies.

Instead things fell apart. Which in hindsight wasn’t actually surprising. They went to romantic comedies together, had drinks in the evening on the couch, met each other’s parents. But they kept each other at a distance. They didn’t talk about their dreams or fears. They didn’t talk about how they loved each other. They acted like a couple. And were stupid enough to be surprised that acting wasn’t enough.

It was no one’s fault. It certainly wasn’t hers. Royce was the one that had become unsettled first. That even before he could really recognize it, knew that something wasn’t quite right. And then one night he went out with the guys and he met a girl. A random girl at a random bar. She was cute enough, but so were a million other girls. But she sat and she talked to him. They left together and went back to her place. And they sat and talked more. They talked about everything, and it was suddenly so clear everything that was wrong with his relationship with Caroline.

And he was but a man, so he did what men sometimes do. He let the moment carry him and he slept with that girl. He couldn’t even look at her as he left the next morning. He couldn’t look at himself. Caroline was out of town but the phone was sitting right by him in the car. So he called her and he told her what happened. She cried. He pretended not to. She told him so much in that thirty minute conversation. So much about the dreams she had for their life together, the things he did that made her love him, the hope that she found in him. It was everything he had ever needed to hear. Just a day too late. And then she was gone. She was done with him and she was gone.

Royce sat there. By that stupid phone. And he felt physically ill. Shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, a numbingly sharp pain throughout his body. Maybe this was shock. Or maybe this was what it felt like when your heart actually broke.

breathe (2 am)

"And these mistakes you've made you'll just make them again if you only try turning around."

Sometimes it felt like a wall. Like there was an actual structure of bricks stopping her. She wasn't sure if she should call that wall luck, or conscience, or God. (It crossed her mind that maybe all three were really the same thing with different names.) So sometimes she stopped, more accurately prevented, from repeating history.

But most times that was not the case. Most times she would flee openly to the past. A more predictable place, and in that sense, a safer one. Yet she always seemed amazed at the rut she was stuck in. The unsuccessful relationships. The stagnant career. Nothing ever really seemed to change, to get better. She never seemed to get better.

And somewhere deep inside she knew there was a step that needed to be taken. A step forward. That she should close her eyes, take a deep breath, and step out. But she wouldn't. She thought about it for hours, and the dread of such unknown often was the tipping point that sent her fleeing for the known. There seemed to be no way for her to be unafraid of the unknown.

And that is the fault in her thinking. She would never get over the fear until she stepped out. That fear, that dread of making a bad choice, of taking a chance, means that your on the right path.