where i wanna be

"I'm not saying I'm gone but I have to find what life is like without you."

He was 25 years old. Four months away from his 26th birthday. And today Corey woke up to an unsettling thought. He was still with his high school sweetheart.

High school had been great. He met Vanessa in a chemistry class. They were lab partners and it didn't take long for that fateful pairing to become a romance. And it was the quintessential high school relationship. They fought hard and loved hard, with so much passion on the surface it was hard to take sometimes.

College had been hard. Vanessa had gone to an elite college in Connecticut. Corey went to a large state school in Florida. To be honest, their had been infidelities on their parts. The stress of Vanessa's school and the party environment of Corey's college had led them both astray. They had been off and on through all four years. But they always came back to each other and by their senior year, they were back together and in a good place.

Corey took a job at an accounting firm in New York. Vanessa began a pre-med program in New York. They lived together in a spacious Brooklyn loft. Vanessa was starting to get that "time for a ring" look which hadn't bothered Corey because their life together was going well. Until this morning when Corey woke up with the unsettling thought that he couldn't believe he was still with Vanessa.

get to know ya

"Brothers were trying to get in your trousers. I was just trying to get into you."

The text message was from Nona. He knew that before he even looked. After all, it was a Friday night. It was starting to get late and he was sure that whatever club she was at must be close to closing.

Oz intended to not answer the phone. Nona could think he was too busy, already occupied with another girl for the night. So he let the phone sit, which lasted all of two minutes. In those two minutes, images of Nona looking at him with those wise, eager brown eyes, her in the short dress and sky high heels she was undoubtedly wearing tonight, and her finding some other guy on her list to go home with.

Oz felt little comfort knowing he was at the top of Nona's list. In fact, it slightly disgusted him and greatly frustrated him. He hadn't intended to be on any list. He didn't want her to have a list. Oz wanted it to be just him. Just him and Nona.

He had adored her for months. They had the same circle of friends and he saw her all the times. Clubs, house parties, dinners, movie nights, receptions, happy hours. They would talk briefly, Nona would smile at him. She was so intelligent and thoughtful. He absolutely adored her. Oz found himself thinking of her and smiling long after he last saw her. So when she finally showed some interest in him, he jumped at the chance.

However, it became obvious quickly that the affection Oz felt for Nona was only reciprocated as a sexual attraction she felt for him. She would text him late at night to "visit". As the arrangement kept going, she began to barely even acknowledge him at social events. Oz would resolve himself that this whole sex relationship had to end. That he would confront her and demand that either they actually date or be nothing at all.

But then he would get that familiar text message on a late night. And the images would pop in his head. And the only thing Oz couldn't bear more than Nona using him for sex were the ideas of her with someone else and of him without her in his life at all.

Oz picked up the phone and sent a message back saying he'd leave the door open for her.

come in with the rain

"And I, I've got you down. I know you by heart. And you don't even know where I start."

It was clear even to a stranger. A person walking down a crowded street could have looked at Bianca and Joe and could have known what somehow eluded Bianca. That while she adored him, he barely even acknowledged she was there.

In restaurants, Bianca would lean in to him, eager to talk, and he would lean back. Joe would take her to sports bars, where he could avoid her under the guise of a football game. Every chance he had, he was checking out other girls.

When they hung out with friends, the two would come together but Joe would always separate from her. He would spend his time chatting with his friends. When Bianca would approach him, he barely looked up and would only grumble a meaningless response.
Even when they were alone, Joe would chatter on about his day or his problems but never ask about hers. When Bianca tried to talk, he would find a way to bring the conversation back around to him or end it all together.

Yet Bianca appeared oblivious. Completely unaware of how little Joe cared. But there was a truth a stranger could never know. Joe cared but didn't know how to show it. He had never been in a relationship and didn't realize there was more to it than just showing up. And Bianca was aware of how Joe treated her. She was trying to be patient but was close to giving up on him.

Maybe a stranger should have pulled Joe aside...

maybe

"I should know better than to touch the fire twice."

If she hadn't known who he was, it would have been like a fairytale. A modern, urban fairytale set in a night club with a mini-skirted, smokey-eyed princess and a brandy-sipping prince with a goatee. But it was Harley's little fairytale. Her in the club with all her girls. Having a great time, looking fantastic. A great song playing in the background. And then catching eyes with a guy across the room. Not just any guy, THAT guy. The one with swagger reverberating across the room, the one with style and sophistication, the one that made Harley blush a little just by looking at him.

The moment came. Three of her favorite friends by her side. Sporting her new Bebe dress which complimented every curve and sleek line the past six weeks at the gym had given her. One of her favorite old school Jay-Z songs blasting. And in her casual glance around the room while sipping her martini, she caught his eye. Except that it wasn't THAT guy. It was her guy, her old guy. Lewis.

Harley and Lewis were a legend in their circles. They'd been falling in and out of each other's lives since high school, never really dating but always a little more than just friends. That is until the last time. The last time they took the leap. They had a passionate, some would say epic, relationship that lasted nearly two years. Then somehow they'd fallen out of love with each other. Harley remembered the feeling well. That one day she had woken up beside him, looked at him, and knew that the passion was gone. She had imagined it was the same for him.

Of course, Harley knew more than her friends on the outside did. That the end wasn't quite as sudden as she liked to believe. There had been arguments and silence and distrust and anger. There had been hurt feelings and vindictive actions on both of their parts. And when it had finally officially ended, they both decided it was for the best. That their passion was too strong and could lead to nothing but this bitter conclusion.

Honestly, Harley hadn't really thought much about it. Sure, there had been the usual moping time period, then the rebound time period, then the moving on period. She was done with all that and had not thought much about Lewis in the past year. So it surprised her how quickly that original passion stirred in her when she saw him from across the room. How her body seemed to react to him, urging her to move towards him. The memories came back, but somehow only the good. She remembered the way he smelled, the feel of his hand in hers, the taste of him even.

Harley stood, she smiled and Lewis smiled back. She finished off her martini swiftly, took a deep breath, and began to make her way toward him.

i wanna know

“I wish that I could take a journey through your mind and find emotions that you always try to hide.”

Archer saw her hiding before she even knew she was. They had been fighting. A vehement argument. The kind that, upon climax, ends in either passionate intimacy or days of silence. As the fight had escalated, Archer was sure this was one that would end passionately. Although he hid it from Lana, his anger had already subsided and he was more than ready to move on to the make-up part of the game.

Then he saw her hide. He was so caught up in the motions of the fight that he truly wasn’t even sure what he had said. Archer thought but he couldn’t find his words, whatever painful chord of truth he had struck in Lana. But he saw her face. The brief moment where the surprise and pain and shame and disappointment shook her, the moment her façade immediately faltered and she was more vulnerable than he had ever seen.

Archer stepped towards her. He wanted nothing more to comfort her, fight or sex be damned. But the moment had passed and now she was hiding. Her face was no longer angry from the fight. And what was most carefully hidden was that flash of vulnerability. It had vanished, and had taken Lana with it. True, she was standing there in front of him. Her face was poised, her stance confident, her voice steady. Too poised, too confident, too steady. She wasn’t fighting anymore. She had retreated to some safe, inner place. A place Archer desperately wanted to touch, to see, to hold and comfort, but a place which he was strictly forbade.

So this fight ended in silence. A silence that Archer knew would end in a few days. But this silence would be different than the ones before. This one came with the unsettling realization for Archer that there was a broken part of Lana. A part that she wasn’t ready to fix, or to even take the first step towards fixing by sharing. A broken part that planted a seed of doubt in Archer about he and Lana’s relationship. And Archer wasn’t sure if he could or should ignore it.

what hurts the most

"But I know if I could do it over, I would trade. Give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken."

Sometimes he felt stupid. Not like that fleeting stupidity that we all experience when we lose our keys or push the wrong button at the vending machine or even when we get to the airport too late to make a flight. Not that. Sometimes he felt really, truly stupid. Yes, sometimes he felt like the people around him, the entire world in fact, had some knowledge that he not only didn't have but didn't even know he was missing.

Today was one of those days. Scott sat on the edge of his bed unsure of what to do next. It had been ten days since Lanie broke up with him. It had taken him those full ten days to realize what must have been so obvious. More than the loneliness, the missing of her smile and hair and all that, there was this uncomfortable churn in his stomach. This disturbing pain reminding him that he had let her walk out the door without ever saying "I love you" or "I care about you". This gnawing truth that he had adored her, the way she took her work so seriously and got all doe-eyed at the sight nearly any four-legged creature and made the best Saturday morning breakfasts, and never had the consideration to tell her.

In fact, Scott was sure that's why she left him. Their final argument had been some nonsense. Some escalating dispute about him forgetting to call. But Scott remembered clearly when he and Lanie first started dating, and she had never been the type to be concerned about that. The times he had forgotten to call when he said he would, she usually wouldn't even be upset. But then some other thing would occur, some moment that Scott could see so clearly now when she had made her feelings for him clear and he had failed to reciprocate. Those times were when the sudden "you never call when you say you will" argument would begin. That final argument had really been no different than the rest except he assumed she was tired of waiting and hoping for something that seemed to never be coming. And so she ended it.

Scott sat there. On that bed that she had shared with him on so many nights. He couldn't imagine that it would make much of a difference to tell her now. To tell her how he cared, how wonderful she was, and how undeserving he had been. But he called anyway and, as expected, the voicemail suddenly kicked in after one ring. After the beep he simply said "Next time I'll do better."

save room

"This just might hurt a little. Love hurts sometimes when you do it right."

Neneh slammed the door behind her. She found the sound satisfying. It was such a loud, shattering sound, such a startling disturbance of the silence that now invaded this tiny apartment. The satisfaction was fleeting though. The wild rush of emotions that had propelled her from the living room, down the hallway, and into the guest bedroom came rushing back.

So Neneh sat there on the floor beside the bed and crying into the sunshine yellow comforter. She knew she should be thinking. Thinking of all the things he did wrong, all the times he made her cry or annoyed her or frustrated her or disappointed her. But she didn't think. She cried out those emotions, tried desperately to cry him out of her system and her soul. But he stayed. Just like she knew he had stayed in the living room, never moving from the chair, waiting for her to return. Knowing that she would return.

So she pulled herself up off the floor. She walked slowly towards the door, crept down the hallway, and peeked into the living room to see him there. There. In that chair. A wave of relief swept through her as she saw the reflection of herself in his face. The same anguish from the fight. The same fear of their intense relationship. The same conflict of frustration and adoration. It took that one moment to forgive him. For the pain to melt away and the desire to be sitting on his lap overtake her.

She walked back into the living room confidently, but with still tear-stained cheeks. Neneh walked straight to him, kissed him. She told him how she felt in that room crying. Alone and overwhelmed. And she told him that she loved him, and that they would do better. He smiled gratefully and agreed.

girls, girls, girls

"An appetite for destruction but I scrape the plate."

I am James. And I know what you're wondering. Why is this sweet, humble, handsome, intelligent man standing outside this apartment building surrounded by overpriced clothes. Well, those are my clothes. And that building is where I evidently don't live anymore.

No this isn't the story of an eviction victim. This is the story of a man and more than one woman. (Which of course means I automatically lose.)

First there was Jessie. A yoga instructor that loves rock music and hockey. Definitely a keeper. So I kept her for three years. We had this great laid back relationship. She trusted me and I did whatever I want.

Make that whoever I want. Amy the perky co-ed. Leigh the budding writer. Nora the tattoo artist. And the latest lady, the cause of my inevitable downfall, Madison the tourist. Yes, she was only in town for the weekend and I would have never suspected that she would be the one. The one to walk into Jessie's studio and gush about the night with the sexy local named James.

Hold your horses. I can feel the judgment, and I don't appreciate it. I love Jessie. I have pretty much since the moment I saw her. I love her in that corny watch her sleep way. But... well... its just against my nature to be so monogamous. And who am I to fight nature.

I'll think about doing better next time, but I won't make any promises.

superwoman

"I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything is okay."

Jeremy walked in the door of his apartment and immediately knew something was off. Random items were missing from the living room. A lamp, the ottoman, the dvd player. At first he thought they had been robbed. As he reached towards the telephone to call the police, he had a second, more cutting realization. The things that were missing were all Lisa's things.

He rushed into the bedroom and sure enough all her clothing, shoes, and jewelry were gone. He checked every drawer and every corner of the closet. She had even cleared out her clothes from the laundry basket. Lisa was gone. After three years, she was gone just like that.

Jeremy sat down heavily on the couch. He wanted to call her, to demand for her to come home. Or maybe to beg for her to return. Maybe both. But he knew Lisa well. Before he could call he needed to figure out what caused her to leave.

So he thought but nothing came to mind. After all things had been fine when he left three days ago for his cousin's wedding in Toronto. Lisa had wanted to come but couldn't get off work. So Jeremy was gone for three days. Three days without coincidence.

Days went by. Jeremy called Lisa and left numerous voice messages in vain. She never called back. Jeremy was reluctant to replace any of the items Lisa had left with under the increasingly unlikely hope that she would return.

About three weeks after Lisa left, Jeremy ran into his friend Phillip at the store. And Phillip asked two questions that cleared everything up. He wanted to know what Jeremy had gotten Lisa for her birthday and why he wasn't at the birthday party Lisa had planned three months in advance.

torn

"I thought I saw a man come to life."

In some ways it ended before it began. Or maybe it ended just as it began. Beth wasn't really mad, more like disappointed. Simon held so much promise.

She met him six months ago. Standing in a grocery line with a half-gallon of milk, a jar of peanut butter, and two microwaveable burritos. He just looked like some typical single guy. But as Beth was collecting her bagged groceries, she glimpsed something more. Simon had a conversation with the young checkout girl in Spanish. Not to show off, but to put the girl at ease because she had struggled recklessly and the customers were growing impatient.

Beth, in her usual brazen manner, walked up to Simon and gave him her number. Thus, the six months began. From the outside, the relationship probably looked perfect. Full of trendy restaurants, thoughtful movies, and the "must-attend" events in town.

But really Beth had made the fatal error. She liked the potential in Simon, not the guy he was right now. She saw his ambition, intelligence, kindness, and knew what he could become. And she was probably right. One day Simon would be the CEO of some Fortune 500 company. Or a member of the U.S. Senate. Or a famous novelist. Anything he wanted to be.

But he wasn't that man right now. Simon was twenty years old. He enjoyed watching Will Ferrell movies, hanging out in the evenings with his dog and a beer, and living off peanut butter and whatever could be microwaved in less than five minutes. Even better than Beth, he could see the man he would someday be. But he wasn't ready to be that man yet.

miss you much

"I'm not the kind of girl who likes to be alone."

Annika had this boyfriend. Neil. They met at a club one night and instantly hit it off. They exchanged numbers and the rest, as they say, is history. The two get along great, have a lot in common, and really care about each other.

Enter problem. Annika lives in Charlotte. Neil lives in Boston.

Annika adores Neil, but six months into the relationship and she already knows its not for her. She likes to cuddle on the couch. She wants spontaneous dates. She needs someone to be there in the flesh. Not a million miles away on a phone.

But Annika can't bear to break Neil's heart. And so she let's the relationship linger on... and starts to feel a resentment and bitterness. She acts against these feelings by going out. She begins dating again.

Then one day there's a picture of Annika. With this guy Elijah. All cuddled up on a couch at her favorite lounge. A picture on Facebook. A picture that broke Neil's heart.

breathe

"Its the kind of ending you really don't want to see."

Rebecca remembered closing her eyes. It was painful enough to listen to this argument, let alone watch it unfold. Ben and Yvonne had been going at it for what seemed hours. And there she was stuck in the middle. Again.

The two had had such a fairy tale romance. Ben wooed Yvonne with flowers and romantic dates and love poems. Yvonne had been the perfect poised damsel, awaiting a Prince Charming rescue. So maybe they got swept up in the story. Maybe we all did.

Three years later, there were nothing but fights. Over how the groomer should cut the dogs hair. Over where the TV should be in the bedroom. Over how long it should take for them to eat dinner. Senseless arguments that elevated until the two were screaming.

Rebecca was always in the middle. Yvonne's best friend. Ben's little sister. They called her and she helplessly watched their relationship unravel.

She was so tired of the fighting. Resolutely she opened her eyes. Rebecca stepped in this time. She confronted them in the heat of their argument, and suggested this fight be the last fight. And they listened and followed her instruction.

But Rebecca hated to see the fairy tale end, as much for her own sake as theirs. She had found hope in Ben and Yvonne, a fulfillment of every little girl's dream that she didn't want to let go.

bust your windows

"You broke my heart so I broke your car. You caused me pain so I did the same."

Its not about destruction. Its not about jealousy or rage. Its pain. The girls (and yes, sometimes guys) feel pain and react. Often irrationally. Its not always the car. It can be golf clubs, sneakers, music collections, whatever is cherished most.

Its pain. How dare you walk around when I can barely get out of bed? How can you date while I cry into my pillow at night? How do you walk away when I'm begging you to stay? Its unfair for one person to suffer alone. So they cause pain. It may not be the pain they feel but its pain they caused, even if fleeting. And at the breaking point any pain caused is a victory.

number one

"You can't say I don't love you just because I cheat on you."

I know its not what you expected. I'll keep this brief since its tardy. But I'm a heartbreaker. Its my well kept secret. And we have all cheated and been cheated on. But let me let you in on a little secret. Cheating doesn't automatically mean that the cheater doesn't love, adore, and respect the cheatee. It means they don't know how to love. They aren't sure how to express their frustration. And so it happens just they way Ye says..