ooh oh

"I've been hiding all my life and I've been trying to keep me safe. But I've been healing and I've been thinking I am ready finally for something more than this."

Shannon smoothed down the front of her sundress and glanced at her reflection one more time. She wondered if they would think she looked difference. Probably not. She was just wearing a simple yellow sundress and brown flat sandals. Cute, pretty even, but nothing particularly spectacular. But when Shannon looked in the mirror she could see the difference. A light in her eyes that wasn't there yesterday. She wasn't sure if it was even there a few hours ago. It was amazing how a few hours could change a person's life.

Nothing dramatic had happened. No momentous, life-altering events had occurred. Just a particularly eye-opening therapy session. One of those dramatic a-ha moments she had been waiting for the past year. Shannon had never really been sure about this therapy thing. She found the time interesting, found it refreshing to get some things off her chest. But the sessions had never really done much to change her outlook until today. Today Shannon had talked about an ex. A guy that she had casually dated a few years ago, and happened to run into again recently. He was married now with a daughter on the way. Shannon was glad for him, he was a good guy. But it made her realize her life was stalled.

The therapist had dug in here and really earned his money this week. Shannon had gotten to the heart of what was holding her back. Fear. The smug expression on her therapist's face told her that he had known this for awhile. Shannon was surprised at this revelation but it made sense. Looking back at the relationships she'd watched her mother have with a string of jerks. A pattern her sister repeated. A pattern that Shannon was so determined not to fall into that she was pushing people away and keeping herself closed off.

Shannon had set in her bedroom for two hours after the session, letting this information sink into her. Fear. She was afraid of being hurt, afraid of loving someone unworthy, afraid of having to pick herself up after the heartbreak. She was living in a state of fear. An easy life in some ways but completely unfulfilling. A gaping hole had been exposed that she couldn't cover back up now. Her fear had pushed her into this lonely, bitter life that she didn't want to lead anymore.

Yesterday was the last day she would lead this life. At least that's what she told herself and that was the first step. Realistically, it would be hard. Probably the hardest thing she'd ever done. She had at least the last fifteen years worth of behavior to overcome. Shannon imagined there would be a lot of doubt and second guessing and setbacks, but at least now she was going the right way down the path. At least now she had a little bit of hope for something more.