when i look to the sky

"When I feel like I'm lost, something tells me you're here with me."

The walk down this aisle was unbearable. Chris briefly flashed back to his wedding, Gwen walking down the aisle. Had it seemed this long to her too? Chris almost smiled, a slight curl of the lips that faded as his gaze settled on the coffin ahead of him. A shiny mahogany cage for his brother's body. Chris felt something in his body falter looking at that coffin but continued to walk as assuredly as he had before. He continued down to the front pew and took his seat between his mother and wife. His mother looked pale and tiny, a woman shrunken into herself. His wife was clutching a handkerchief with a vise grip and letting the tears flow freely down her face.

This time Chris did let a minute smile surface as he thought about how close James and Janet were. The casual observer would have identified them as siblings instead of him and James. They had goofy nicknames for each other and were constantly teaming up to prank him. Chris put his arm around both women, hoping to hell it would offer a little comfort. Neither moved really, his mother absently patting his hand. The unconscious attempt to comfort from a woman that was barely present herself. In some ways, Chris was hoping this stoic behavior would last throughout the funeral. Chris looked across his wife at his five-year old daughter and couldn't even wrap his head around the idea of her no longer alive.

The service went on well, as well as these things go. People got up to speak about James. It was good in that sense, people that really loved him and that he adored right back. His old friend from both high school and college shared a tame adventure from their youth. His girlfriend, whom admittedly he had started dating fairly recently, had beautiful words about him. Their father had been the brave representative of the family never even asking Chris or his mother to speak. Dad talked about James as a young child. A full spectrum of the man that was no more. Words from brokenhearted people with their pain showing clearly. Only Chris seemed to be trying to contain his emotions. The hour-long breakdown on the basketball court with\ Dylan had been quite enough.

Chris thanked the heavens that his parents had decided not to allow the funeral procession to extend to the burial site. Just the family would attend the burial in the morning, another activity that would test Chris's resolve. Chris avoided the sad, sympathetic eyes following him out of the church. He stopped only briefly to receive a pat on the shoulder from Dylan. Even then Chris avoided his eyes. James and Chris had always joked that Dylan was their third brother, and Chris knew that Dylan's eyes wouldn't hold sympathy. The pain in those would nearly match his own, pain that would threaten to undo him. So Chris walked on.

By the time he had walked down the stairs of the massive church and back to the end of the parking lot where he had parked the car, becoming undone seemed inevitable. James was always his anchor and now he was adrift. The past few days he had felt directionless, dazed, and every time he tried to break out his funk his first  thought would drift to calling James. A thought that only served to drive him deeper into the reverie. He had selfishly left his wife, daughter, and mother standing on the church steps. Chris vaguely remembered murmuring something about bringing the car around but really he needed an escape. The image of his brother's face as the casket closed was burned in his mind. The last time he would ever see him. Ever.

The tears came fast and hard and Chris's attempts to brush them away were futile. He reached for the glove compartment where Janet usually kept the tissue. Instead of tissues, several polyester snakes leaped out at him. Chris jumped so hard he knocked his knee on the steering column. He rubbed his knee, looking at the snakes in confusion after his heart rate had settled back. Then the dawning came. One last prank from his brother. Chris rarely opened the glove department and wondered how long the snakes had been laying in wait. He shook his head at the ridiculousness of it all. Then a laugh bubbled it up, surprising Chris himself. Then another laugh and another until tears were streaming down his face. Good old Chris leaving some of the best of him behind. James had probably gotten the stupid snakes from the dollar store but they were invaluable to Chris now. He tucked them gently back into the glove compartment content that a piece of his brother, the last piece he had to offer him, would be in this car every time he got in it.

"And I can always find my way when you are here."